B All That You Can B

As you all know, we upped & moved to Northern Virginia earlier this year. What you may not know is that most of the time I either feel as out of place as the HillBillies in Beverly.

Or, atheist at a pentecostal tent revival.

I won't go into long drawn out examples of how a little hair color & make-up would go a long ways out here in the 'burbs. Nor will I complain too much about living in an ultra-conservative neighborhood.

Yes, MiniMe watches Hannah Montana & SpongeBob (totally hanging my head in shame). Let me tell ya folks, that puts me smack-dab at the bottom of the neighborhood Bad Parent Heap.

Perhaps it's because I allowed Laze-E to watch PG-13 movies before she actually turned 13 that her report card showed up today looking like a big hive of buzzing bees.

Actually, she did have one lone A.

In PE, of all things. Which is a marked improvement over the Big Fat F that she managed last year. I suppose I should celebrate even the small victories that come along, right?

Perhaps, Laze-E's report card would have been her usual mix of A's & B's if the standards around here were typical of the rest of the world. But, no. We live in the Land of the Six-Point Grading System.

Want an A?

Better get a 94 or higher.

Sorry Sweetie, advanced courses don't count extra.

That's right, my child didn't stand a chance. The 92.8 that she managed in Honors English showed up on her report card as a B+.

Remember, we aren't from around these parts & we watch whatever comes on Disney or Nick without regard to appropriateness or obvious educational benefits. So, when we are happy with a such a grade, it just underscores our mediocrity.

We (read: Laze-E) might not be pulling down straight A's around here, but we (read: me & my savvy readers) are laughing hysterically at this week's winner of

HausFrau's Situational Irony Award.

Laze-E had Career Day at school today & came home all bummed out that she didn't get into the Papa John's seminar. Not because flinging dough is her career ambition, but they were offering free pizza for the participants.

Did you catch that? Our so-fiss-to-cated neighbors & their brilliant kids learned all about a career at a cookie-cutter, national chain pizza joint.

Can I get a big belly laugh from anyone?

I don't know about you, but where I come from (howdy to all my amigos down in the LoneStar state!), we might give you more opportunity to bring home an A (like 89.5-100 if HausFrau is your teacher), making it less prestigious. But, we know how to round up doctors, lawyers & military servicemembers to show up for Career Day.

Of course, we can also round up a few rednecks & topless waitresses. I guess it depends on exactly what kind of career day you want to have.

And, what student population you wish to target.

Yep, my friends. This is Savvy's Dad. His cover story is that he was in a drama production for a community fundraiser. He was the gay cowboy.

Because that's realistic for Texas . . .

I don't know if I am buying that story. I tend to believe it was Career Day at some nameless high school west of Ft. Worth.

The Consequence is .. . .

I had a few days to mull this over & I've decided what to do about that embarrassment of a grade in Physical Education, courtesy of Laze-E. I'm aiming to drive two points home:

1. Should you chose to blow of your academic career & morph into a completely apathetic blob of a student, you will almost certainly be forced into a less than desirable "profession" with unbelievably low & totally not-worth-it pay. And,

2. Should you chose to blantantly ignore physical activity & pretend that you inherited the "good genes" when it comes to thigh and tush size, you will most likely notice that none of your clothes fit. And,

Combining Points 1 and 2: It's going to be incredibly difficult to replace said wardrobe on an hourly wage that is roughly equal to the purchase price of 1/2 gallon of gas.

So, being the teacher of life lessons that I am:

Laze-E will babysit MiniMe for Me so that I can go to the gym. Crapola job with equally pathetic pay & living with one hot-mama of a HausFrau who can wear the clothes that you just outgrew.

How's that for parental justice?

Laze-E & PE

Once upon a time there was an apple who succumbed to gravity & fell off the tree, hit the ground with extreme force & velocity, rolled way down a very long hill and landed next to a cow patty somewhere in Bauer Fritz’s pasture. This particular apple fell very, very far from the mama apple tree.

Yep, Laze-E’s report card showed up in the mail yesterday.

Man comes bee-bopping in the door after another day of being the colonel’s PowerPoint slide bitch a long, hard day's work & announces that there’s an F (yes, the 6th letter of the alphabet & 5th letter of the conventional grading system) on Laze-E’s report card.

I looked at him and awaited the expected punch line. The one that goes something like, “Nah, it’s all wonderful. All A’s and one B. Great Job, E.”

Seriously, I thought he was joking because she’s my A/B student. OK, mostly B’s, but that has more to do with enthusiasm than ability. Man hands over the offending piece of paper, and there it is.

A big, fat, flippin’ F.

On her PE final exam.

Admittedly, she’s a little clutsy & if we are going to be brutally honest, athletic aptitude is not one of her God-given gifts. And, granted, we aren’t exactly the family whose schedule is chocked full of sports practice and games. We Rockin'Bauers are more the kind of people to participate in non-competitive walking and reward ourselves with bratwurst and bier afterwards. Prost!

But, come on. Even the SpEd kids who ride the short bus (yeah, I know, she does ride the short bus) don’t get F’s in physical education. It’s really just a participation grade, n’est-ce pas?

When asked about this monstrosity of a grade, Laze-E lies like a rug innocently responds that she has no idea why the grade looks like it might have belonged on one of Man's report cards is so low. There were a few questions on the exam and to her knowledge she answered most of them correctly. Yeah, I believed that about as much as I believe that skinny chicks are genetically programed for bodacious ta-tas.

Did she forget that HausFrau knows a bit about how middle school works? This ain’t mommy’s first rodeo, cupcake, so start talking. I know that you know why there’s an F on your permanent record.

Shockingly, the truth is that Laze-E and her friend, MotorMouth, were talking to each other during the exam. Apparently, the PE teacher didn’t like that much & took their tests away. Ok, I totally understand getting all pissy allowing negative consequences when students don’t take their dumbass junior high electives academic careers seriously. I’ve even been known to play the My-Class-is-Ūber-Importante-and-Thou-Shalt-Not-Talk-During-a-Test hardball, but I never got away with slapping an F on a report without first getting approval from school administrators and congress notifying the parents.

So, this most offensive report card shows up yesterday and the little darling is upstairs packing right now because the bus to Italy Beach Week leaves in 3 hours. Yeah, I know. F in PE and I fork over the moola for her to tan on the beach in Italy for 6 days. I’m probably raising a criminal defense attorney truck stop waitress here.

On the bright side, this gives me a week to determine how to appropriately handle and F in PE.

(Hey, if you have any brilliant suggestions, just hit the comment button. It’s easy & I’d love to hear from you! Note: we are talking about an F on the exam, she ended up with a B for the semester & the teacher never said boo to me about it. And, in Laze-E's defense, she did fess up. Oh, and Beach Week is technically church camp. Does that matter?!)

Since, I’m all over torturing the offenders making the punishment fit the crime, I’m leaning toward signing her up for both the community softball AND soccer teams. If they can’t use her as a ball fetcher, outfielder, goalie or quarterback, maybe, just maybe, they are in need of a sports announcer with a forte for teen gossip & melodrama.