Just Add Hamburger

Last week before I gallivanted off to a Drunko Bunco game, I needed to make dinner for my kids. Because I was intent on making a kid-friendly & super-quick meal, I really tried (but failed miserably) to sell them on the idea of Hamburger Helper.

Specifically Cheeseburger Macaroni.

They should have been joyfully jumping up and down! But I only received frowny faces that silently said Wha . . . huh?

MiniMe was very intrigued, but skeptical, by this whole Hamburger Helper concept and really want to know more.

What is it, Mommy?

Well, it's good. You would like it.

Uh, no thanks.

Did you just catch the full meaning of that quick conservation? Yes, my friends, 5 year old has no clue about Hamburger Helper. Laze-E on the other hand, is familiar with Hamburger Helper, but only as it applies to the individual packet Singles that can be cooked in the microwave for lunch. But, even the 13 year-old turned her nose up at the box and mimicked her sister's response:

Uh, no thanks, Mom.

But, it's Cheeseburger Macaroni! It's kid-friendly Food Porn in a box. I'm talking 1750 calories all neatly packaged by Betty Crocker. Hey, look. It's even got Shrek on the box.

Oh, wait a minute. That's Shrek . . . Number Two.

A Shrek 2 promo. Complete with trading cards (collect all 14!) on the back of the box. Seriously? OK, so just how long has this box been dodging the old HausFrau skillet? Well, let's see, the box itself says that it would be better if used by, uh . . . May 2005.

So, we are only 3 ½ years past the "better by" date. And, at least 4 ½ years past the purchase date. I honestly don't remember the last time I made any form of Hamburger Helper.

You know what that means, don't you? That I am a seriously savvy HausFrau who would never feed her family prepackaged junk. I need to call Guinness because I might literally be holding a World Record here. Think about it, how many boxes of Hamburger Helper have made 4 military PCS's in 4 years & called three different countries home?

This box had to have been purchased in San Antonio in the spring of 2004, then moved to Wiesbaden in the summer of 2005, then to Hohenfels (Ho'Town as CoopaChick likes to call it. Hi, Laura!) in the winter of 2007, and then on to its current location in Brussels in the winter of 2008.

It's so far past its due date that I can't in good conscience risk $3 worth of ground beef and 1750 calories to see if it's still OK. Especially that calorie part. I really need to chow down the rabbit food for the next few weeks so that I can maneuver BBLady's dessert porn over the Holidays without compromising the seams of my jeans.

Even if I purchased the Hamburger-Helper-Helped-Her-Hamburger-Help-Her-Make-a-Great-Meal on sale & with a coupon, it's a total wash & a big ol' frugal flop. I can't even salvage the 10-cent Box Top because that too expired over a year ago.

So, what do I do with my cheeseburger-in-a-box? Do I admit total defeat to Betty and toss the box in the trash-trash? Do I go-green & disassemble the parts for the recycling bins? Do I keep it forever & ever so I can always be known as CrazyHausFrau with that box of Cheeseburger Shrek?

Or better yet: Do I list it on eBay?

Don't laugh at that last suggestion. I just found this listing from Redneck Collectibles for a box of Three Cheese. It's only $4.00 with a mere $4.80 for shipping. There are 10 available, so it's not even a rare item.

Someone else has listed the complete set of Shrek 2 Hamburger Helper Trading Cards for $9.99, $5.00 shipping, BUT $12.00 shipping for international buyers.

Wow, shipping fees alone would allow me to recoup my investment & net a nice dividend. In today's market, that's something, huh?

Think anyone is missing just the two cards on the back of my box to complete their collection? Is it possible that Bubba has been searching high & low and stalking eBay since 2004 for my trading cards?

Redneck bidders, don't let this one get away! What a great stocking stuffer to accompany those lottery tickets & 6-pack of Bud Light.

Both Shrek & Puss are in new & excellent condition. International bidders willing to pay through the nose for shipping are welcome.

Me Too!

You know it's been a great party when the guests start eagerly swapping hangover remedies as they collect their potluck dishes, sling purses over their shoulders & head out the door.

Obviously, with potluck dishes in play, it wasn't a FratHaus kind of shindig. It was much, much worse better than that. I'm talking 17 HausFrauen, potluck food & two varieties of spiked slushes.

Yep, my friends, I scored an invite with the in crowd to sub at a Bunco game this past Friday night.

Let me tell you. It was the best entertainment that 5 Euros buy can anywhere.

Hands down.

And, it had nothing to do with the dice game.

It really didn't have anything to do with the alcohol either. Again, we aren't exactly the college aged crowd where it's all about the booze. Although, I do think a fellow HausFrau colleague of mine might have regretted slurping down three bourbon slushes.

Why three bourbon slushes, you might ask? Well, for starters, the vodka slushes were off limits because this particular HausFrau had a previous bad experience with vodka. So that left bourbon as the only viable option. Why three? Well, because she ended up hurling before she could make it to four they were so darn good.

Now, I have guilt.

Major guilt.

Not only because I brought the vodka slush, my HausFrau Red Rooster, which forced her to gravitate toward the bourbon. But mostly because at the time, I was unaware of this British Medical Journal study citing that bourbon is twice as likely to cause hangovers as vodka.

Being all science geeky with the degree to prove it, I should have known about this credible scientific fact but I tend to get hangovers from wine, mimosas & sangria & warned her ahead of time. Sorry WhiskeyChick NamelessHausFrauFriend, but next time, we'll both know better.

Thankfully now, all three of my readers know about vodka vs. bourbon - just in time for the upcoming holiday season. Stick with the Red Roosters & Screwdrivers. Another public service announcement brought to you by the SavvyHausFrau.

If not the booze, the food, excellent HausFrau camaraderie, or the dice, then just what was so fascinating about Bunco night?

Well, let me tell you. The HausFrauHostessWithTheMostest threatened to take away the bourbon slush if we didn't cooperate requested that we all write down something blackmail-worthy a little known & interesting fact about ourselves on a secret slip of paper. The group was then to guess who wrote down what.

How much fun would this be?!

Oh, let me count the ways!

Oh, the choices! Oh, the decision to be made! I've got over twenty twenty-five thirty-five & I won't admit to any more than that thirty years of intriguing life events from which to chose.

Of all the interesting & little know facts about HausFrau I decided to just unload one that is always good for a laugh or two & might possibly win me the "best secret" award. Not so sure it would ever get me invited back to a Bunco game, but for the sake of a laugh or two, I was willing to risk it.

What secret did I tell? Here's a hint: it has nothing to do with a tampon, been there, blogged that, not a secret anymore. Here's another hint: When I tell what happened, not one person has ever responded with a Me Too!

My friend WonderWoman (Hi, Heather!) told me about Me Too! friends. A Me Too! friend can appropriately hold up their end of this conservation:

Oh, I just love Desperate Housewives. Karen McCluskey is my hero.

Me Too!

You know, red wine is my favorite.

Me Too!

I just love German food.

Me Too!

German Christmas Markets are one of my favorite things ever.

Me Too!

I think Jack Bauer is so hot.

Me Too!

Uh, I accidentally visited a nudist colony one time.

Wha . . . huh?

See? No one ever says Me Too! to that one.

So, the Bunco group voted on the most scandalous best secret of the night & I definitely landed in the top two. The other top contender was a Bunco player who once upon a time modeled a WonderBra for a local department store. Ok, that sounded all juicy, but the rest of the story included clothes on top of said foundational garment. Even though her boobs appeared on the 6 o'clock news, they were fully covered.

So while I thoroughly enjoyed all the secret stories about Christian attitude awards in Junior High (SisterChristian), rubbing shoulders with Al Gore (MotherTheresa) and winning medals at the Junior Olympics (MaryLou), I just can't compete on that level. Nor could I even come close to adding an enthusiastic Me Too!

I'm definitely on the path-less-traveled with my unintentional happening upon naked redneck dude. OK, in his defense, he was on private property and he wasn't exactly what we in Texas would call completely butt-naked. After all, he was wearing his 10-gallon cowboy hat, striped tube socks (circa 1972) and black kicker boots.

Holy Cowboy Boots, Batman! I'm getting the heeby-jeeby, creepy-crawly shoulder shudders just reliving visualising thinking about that.

And, all three of HausFrau's readers respond in unison,

Me Too!

Looking for Something?

Dear Internet Pervert:

I appreciate your hard-core enthusiasm when Googling the Internet for websites to fit your unique interests. I find it refreshing that you can work a day job, lovingly attend to your family, keep up public appearances & still find "me time" in such busy schedule. I am a big fan of the Internet & think it's nice that modern technology allows you an affordable hobby that does not require you to leave the privacy of your house.

Obviously, Internet porn is to you what BlogSpot is to me - a way to pass the time while ignoring toilets & dirty floors. But, I'm also thinking the Internet is plenty big enough for both of us to be surfing without ever running into each other. At least my preference is for our paths not to cross.
However, I've recently noticed an increase of traffic on my Blog from you & your BFF perv buddies. While this increase in traffic means that I have published enough words to register as a mere blip on the Information Super Highway, I can't help but feel like I am totally misrepresenting my Blog's purpose.

Seriously, I am a stay-at-home-mom to two children who are both currently in school full-time. Yeah, I know. I probably need to get either A) a job, or B) a life, but I don't. I just blog about my pathetically boring existence in lieu of. I am also a housewife HausFrau to a Man who works all day at a 9-5 to bring home the bacon. Which, incidentally, I can cook it up and use it in a variety of food-porn dishes.

I know, I know, I wrote "porn". But, trust me, as for as you are concerned, it's not worth your Googling or Yahooing time. Unless you are totally into the exciting flavors of German cuisine.

So, here's the deal: I am a HausFrau & a quite Savvy one at that. I write about my children, my husband, my friends, mundane events that happen in & around my Haus & I write about what I cook for dinner. Admittedly, any or all of this should bore anyone to tears, but especially you all who are using your Internet access for more excitement that I care to imagine.

With that being said, I would like to apologize for misleading you & taking valuable time away from your sick & twisted alternative lifestyle choices. Specifically, I would like to apologize to your colleague the Dude in Germany who Googled "red tube hausfrauen sex video". I can only assume he was just looking for a little booty action on his monitor.

Unfortunately for him, he landed on my Blog on my Savvy with HausWork post. Surprised me too. I only mentioned in passing something about "red" wine & watching the boob "tube" as I explained to the public what I do all day. Sorry Dude in Germany didn't find what he was looking for, but it's not my fault. You might suggest to Dude in Germany that he contact Google & request that they tighten their search parameter algorithm. Especially since the "sex" word wasn't mentioned at least not in this post.

Ok, fine. I did use the words "bitch" and "latex" but I was referring to a specific episode of Desperate Housewives and cleaning gloves, the ones for HausFrau tasks like scrubbing toilets & washing dishes. Definitely nothing that would warrant traffic from Dude in Germany.

I am also remorseful about my Tampon Woman post. Hey, the post itself is one of my best, in my ever-so humble opinion, but not in a way that your and your perv homies would appreciate. Out of my last 100 hits, 3 of you have landed on this post while searching for images. I can only imagine what images you were Googling in the first place. Please, don't respond. I prefer to remain ignorant.

I've also had at least 2 hits looking for Gyno information. Who knew that a quick Google for "Gyno in Germany" would land TheSavvyHausFrau in the Number 1 spot? Granted, this search may have been legitimate, but I have a sneaking suspicious that the one looking for "nurse gyno" wasn't. Especially since many of the other sites on that Google hit list also mentioned the word "lesbian".

My biggest apologies go out to all your amigos who landed on my Laze vs. MiniMe post while Googling for images. It took me a long while to figure this one out, being that my mind it not in the gutter all the time. The first picture posted on this post is of my 13 year old's atrociously messy room & I couldn't imagine anyone being sadistic enough to unnecessarily put themselves in that line of fire.

But then, the proverbial light bulb went on as I looked through the words I wrote in the post. I very innocently commented that my 5 year old's new Barbie would not be allowed in the tub with her & you guys totally twisted that one every which way but loose. I'm not exactly sure what words you typed into the little Google search box, but it was some combination of: Freakish My Size Barbie Naked Tub Mr. Bubbles.

While I regret that you didn't find what you were looking for, I think it serves you right. You had to look at that picture of that horribly mess room & I am assuming it was much like an unexpected cold shower.

Hey, it happens.

You know, while I am at it, I am proactively apologizing right now for all the future hits that this particular post will get as I have once again used small, non-SAT words typical of pervert's ever-so-limited vocabulary & agenda.

Just in case you didn't catch them the first time, I have typed these words:

hard-core, pervert, perv, housewife, HausFrau, food porn, porn, exciting, booty, red tube, hausfrauen, sex, video, bitch, latex, boob, tampon, gyno, nurse, lesbian, gutter, sadistic, freakish, size, barbie, tub & Mr. Bubbles

And, should Google, Yahoo, AOL, MSN or any other search engine put my HausFrau blog at the top of the hit list, then so be it. Perhaps you will enjoy these images for your efforts:

All of my legitimate readers are now laughing their butts off.

Oh, let me guess. Someone is going to Goggle "butts off".

In closing, I sincerely wish you all the best in your future Googling endeavors. I hope there's not too many of us hard core, smart-ass HausFrauen out there to slow you down.

Respectfully submitted,

~HausFrau

Bon Jour

Another Rockin'Bauer Road Trip . . . Stay Tuned.

Nuts: the Adjective, not the Noun

HausFrau's How-To Guide

Surviving the Kindergarten Halloween Autumn Harvest Party

Exhibit A: Be Slightly Rebellious & wear a black t-shirt that subtly hints of a Witch costume. While you are at it, show just a tad of cleavage.

You are aiming for the sexy Witch look.

Exhibit B: Be All-Out Rebellious & wear an orange shirt with a picture of a witch that reads "I'm a Good Witch". Be sure to pair the orange shirt with a black under shirt -- we don't want anyone to miss the Halloween insinuation.
(Go, RebelMama, you are my hero!)

Exhibit C: Hover over RoomMamas and insist on changing the rules to Musical Chairs. Only change the rules once the game has started & be very ambiguous about the rule changes so that it takes at least 5 minutes for everyone to figure out the dumbass rule change. Closely monitor RoomMamas to ensure this particular game of Musical Chairs doesn't become some kind of Halloween ritual.

It might also be a good idea not to let the RoomMamas read the stories that they brought with them. Seriously consider that they never to read to small children & know nothing about children's literature. Insist on their reading from your collection only. Not inappropriate children's books about pumpkins borrowed from the community library.

Exhibit D: Closely monitor the entire class as they play BINGO. HausFrau RoomMama said it was Fall BINGO, but you must make certain she didn't sneak in a witch hat or black cat on the BINGO cards.

For the Kinder: Yell BINGO every time you get a BINGO. MiniMe's Mom said it was okay & she's fairly certain that this will drive Miss D absolutely bonkers Miss D won't mind either. Keep playing BINGO until everyone gets a black out. Enthusiastically yell BINGO every time you get a new BINGO until all the pictures on your card are covered. Because you will be hyped up on sugar by this time, yelling won't be a problem.

Also, tell MiniMe's Mom that you are having a blast and that you love her. That way she'll be more than happy to bring non-Thanksgiving BINGO cards to the Turkey & Pumpkin Celebration Party in November.

Exhibit E:

Dear Presidental Candidates, please smile for all your photo opportunities, especially the ones that will later be used for Kinder propganda. If you are old, use that to your advantage. Get the grandpa look going & make them want to climb into your lap for story time. They will assume you like small children and are nice. These are very important characteristics that you must possess in order to get the Kindy vote.

Dear Mr. Broccoli, Congratulations! You clearly have the smile down pat. You secured the overwhelming majority (7 to 2 with one abstainer) of the Kindy vote because of that smile. That's a huge accomplishment since these are all military brats & I'm fairly certain their parents will be voting for the old dude.

RoomMamas: In addition to BINGO & Musical Chairs, make trail mix with the class. Have lots of mini marshmallows, popcorn & Skittles on hand as these are often a five year old favorite. Strictly avoid Halloween colored M&M's & Reece's Pieces as those can be associated with a specific holiday & this is not a holiday celebration party, as previously explained in a recent HausFrau publication . Send lots of trail mix and goodies home with the kids. Most importantly, stock every goodie bag with glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth, as those are often an Autumn Harvest necessity. Squirrels frequently need extra help cracking nuts, you know.

Once the party is over & Kinder are loaded on the buses headed for home, encourage KindyTeacher to take a load off in the Teacher's Lounge because she had to work so hard monitoring those rebel RoomMamas. Then kick back with other RebelParents, celebrate a well executed party & tell ghost stories by the light of the Fridge.

Beginning with the legend of the Witches Brew. It's the one where the mean old witch hag stores her specially concocted brew in a magic cold box & uses it to cope with scare small children . . .