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Dear Internet Pervert:

I appreciate your hard-core enthusiasm when Googling the Internet for websites to fit your unique interests. I find it refreshing that you can work a day job, lovingly attend to your family, keep up public appearances & still find "me time" in such busy schedule. I am a big fan of the Internet & think it's nice that modern technology allows you an affordable hobby that does not require you to leave the privacy of your house.

Obviously, Internet porn is to you what BlogSpot is to me - a way to pass the time while ignoring toilets & dirty floors. But, I'm also thinking the Internet is plenty big enough for both of us to be surfing without ever running into each other. At least my preference is for our paths not to cross.
However, I've recently noticed an increase of traffic on my Blog from you & your BFF perv buddies. While this increase in traffic means that I have published enough words to register as a mere blip on the Information Super Highway, I can't help but feel like I am totally misrepresenting my Blog's purpose.

Seriously, I am a stay-at-home-mom to two children who are both currently in school full-time. Yeah, I know. I probably need to get either A) a job, or B) a life, but I don't. I just blog about my pathetically boring existence in lieu of. I am also a housewife HausFrau to a Man who works all day at a 9-5 to bring home the bacon. Which, incidentally, I can cook it up and use it in a variety of food-porn dishes.

I know, I know, I wrote "porn". But, trust me, as for as you are concerned, it's not worth your Googling or Yahooing time. Unless you are totally into the exciting flavors of German cuisine.

So, here's the deal: I am a HausFrau & a quite Savvy one at that. I write about my children, my husband, my friends, mundane events that happen in & around my Haus & I write about what I cook for dinner. Admittedly, any or all of this should bore anyone to tears, but especially you all who are using your Internet access for more excitement that I care to imagine.

With that being said, I would like to apologize for misleading you & taking valuable time away from your sick & twisted alternative lifestyle choices. Specifically, I would like to apologize to your colleague the Dude in Germany who Googled "red tube hausfrauen sex video". I can only assume he was just looking for a little booty action on his monitor.

Unfortunately for him, he landed on my Blog on my Savvy with HausWork post. Surprised me too. I only mentioned in passing something about "red" wine & watching the boob "tube" as I explained to the public what I do all day. Sorry Dude in Germany didn't find what he was looking for, but it's not my fault. You might suggest to Dude in Germany that he contact Google & request that they tighten their search parameter algorithm. Especially since the "sex" word wasn't mentioned at least not in this post.

Ok, fine. I did use the words "bitch" and "latex" but I was referring to a specific episode of Desperate Housewives and cleaning gloves, the ones for HausFrau tasks like scrubbing toilets & washing dishes. Definitely nothing that would warrant traffic from Dude in Germany.

I am also remorseful about my Tampon Woman post. Hey, the post itself is one of my best, in my ever-so humble opinion, but not in a way that your and your perv homies would appreciate. Out of my last 100 hits, 3 of you have landed on this post while searching for images. I can only imagine what images you were Googling in the first place. Please, don't respond. I prefer to remain ignorant.

I've also had at least 2 hits looking for Gyno information. Who knew that a quick Google for "Gyno in Germany" would land TheSavvyHausFrau in the Number 1 spot? Granted, this search may have been legitimate, but I have a sneaking suspicious that the one looking for "nurse gyno" wasn't. Especially since many of the other sites on that Google hit list also mentioned the word "lesbian".

My biggest apologies go out to all your amigos who landed on my Laze vs. MiniMe post while Googling for images. It took me a long while to figure this one out, being that my mind it not in the gutter all the time. The first picture posted on this post is of my 13 year old's atrociously messy room & I couldn't imagine anyone being sadistic enough to unnecessarily put themselves in that line of fire.

But then, the proverbial light bulb went on as I looked through the words I wrote in the post. I very innocently commented that my 5 year old's new Barbie would not be allowed in the tub with her & you guys totally twisted that one every which way but loose. I'm not exactly sure what words you typed into the little Google search box, but it was some combination of: Freakish My Size Barbie Naked Tub Mr. Bubbles.

While I regret that you didn't find what you were looking for, I think it serves you right. You had to look at that picture of that horribly mess room & I am assuming it was much like an unexpected cold shower.

Hey, it happens.

You know, while I am at it, I am proactively apologizing right now for all the future hits that this particular post will get as I have once again used small, non-SAT words typical of pervert's ever-so-limited vocabulary & agenda.

Just in case you didn't catch them the first time, I have typed these words:

hard-core, pervert, perv, housewife, HausFrau, food porn, porn, exciting, booty, red tube, hausfrauen, sex, video, bitch, latex, boob, tampon, gyno, nurse, lesbian, gutter, sadistic, freakish, size, barbie, tub & Mr. Bubbles

And, should Google, Yahoo, AOL, MSN or any other search engine put my HausFrau blog at the top of the hit list, then so be it. Perhaps you will enjoy these images for your efforts:

All of my legitimate readers are now laughing their butts off.

Oh, let me guess. Someone is going to Goggle "butts off".

In closing, I sincerely wish you all the best in your future Googling endeavors. I hope there's not too many of us hard core, smart-ass HausFrauen out there to slow you down.

Respectfully submitted,

~HausFrau