Just Add Hamburger

Last week before I gallivanted off to a Drunko Bunco game, I needed to make dinner for my kids. Because I was intent on making a kid-friendly & super-quick meal, I really tried (but failed miserably) to sell them on the idea of Hamburger Helper.

Specifically Cheeseburger Macaroni.

They should have been joyfully jumping up and down! But I only received frowny faces that silently said Wha . . . huh?

MiniMe was very intrigued, but skeptical, by this whole Hamburger Helper concept and really want to know more.

What is it, Mommy?

Well, it's good. You would like it.

Uh, no thanks.

Did you just catch the full meaning of that quick conservation? Yes, my friends, 5 year old has no clue about Hamburger Helper. Laze-E on the other hand, is familiar with Hamburger Helper, but only as it applies to the individual packet Singles that can be cooked in the microwave for lunch. But, even the 13 year-old turned her nose up at the box and mimicked her sister's response:

Uh, no thanks, Mom.

But, it's Cheeseburger Macaroni! It's kid-friendly Food Porn in a box. I'm talking 1750 calories all neatly packaged by Betty Crocker. Hey, look. It's even got Shrek on the box.

Oh, wait a minute. That's Shrek . . . Number Two.

A Shrek 2 promo. Complete with trading cards (collect all 14!) on the back of the box. Seriously? OK, so just how long has this box been dodging the old HausFrau skillet? Well, let's see, the box itself says that it would be better if used by, uh . . . May 2005.

So, we are only 3 ½ years past the "better by" date. And, at least 4 ½ years past the purchase date. I honestly don't remember the last time I made any form of Hamburger Helper.

You know what that means, don't you? That I am a seriously savvy HausFrau who would never feed her family prepackaged junk. I need to call Guinness because I might literally be holding a World Record here. Think about it, how many boxes of Hamburger Helper have made 4 military PCS's in 4 years & called three different countries home?

This box had to have been purchased in San Antonio in the spring of 2004, then moved to Wiesbaden in the summer of 2005, then to Hohenfels (Ho'Town as CoopaChick likes to call it. Hi, Laura!) in the winter of 2007, and then on to its current location in Brussels in the winter of 2008.

It's so far past its due date that I can't in good conscience risk $3 worth of ground beef and 1750 calories to see if it's still OK. Especially that calorie part. I really need to chow down the rabbit food for the next few weeks so that I can maneuver BBLady's dessert porn over the Holidays without compromising the seams of my jeans.

Even if I purchased the Hamburger-Helper-Helped-Her-Hamburger-Help-Her-Make-a-Great-Meal on sale & with a coupon, it's a total wash & a big ol' frugal flop. I can't even salvage the 10-cent Box Top because that too expired over a year ago.

So, what do I do with my cheeseburger-in-a-box? Do I admit total defeat to Betty and toss the box in the trash-trash? Do I go-green & disassemble the parts for the recycling bins? Do I keep it forever & ever so I can always be known as CrazyHausFrau with that box of Cheeseburger Shrek?

Or better yet: Do I list it on eBay?

Don't laugh at that last suggestion. I just found this listing from Redneck Collectibles for a box of Three Cheese. It's only $4.00 with a mere $4.80 for shipping. There are 10 available, so it's not even a rare item.

Someone else has listed the complete set of Shrek 2 Hamburger Helper Trading Cards for $9.99, $5.00 shipping, BUT $12.00 shipping for international buyers.

Wow, shipping fees alone would allow me to recoup my investment & net a nice dividend. In today's market, that's something, huh?

Think anyone is missing just the two cards on the back of my box to complete their collection? Is it possible that Bubba has been searching high & low and stalking eBay since 2004 for my trading cards?

Redneck bidders, don't let this one get away! What a great stocking stuffer to accompany those lottery tickets & 6-pack of Bud Light.

Both Shrek & Puss are in new & excellent condition. International bidders willing to pay through the nose for shipping are welcome.