Grapes of Wrath

For those of you who are still skeptical, please know that I do not wander aimlessly around the Haus staging and/or creating drama just so I have something to blog about. Usually, my family is coming at me so rapid-fire fast that I have to call a time-out long enough to grab my camera and photograph the evidence because no one would believe me otherwise & I'd be accused of making stuff up photodocument our mundane family events.

But, lately Man & the Girls have been behaving appropriately flying under my radar. The embarrassing truth is that I only managed 5 publications during the whole month of November.

Because they were shamefully failing in their duties as co-stars on this blog, I had to do something. So, to teach them a lesson, I drug them on a 4-day, 770 mile Rockin'Bauer RoadTrip into Germany.

My little shake-up plan worked splendidly and now I can share with you:

Man's Guide to Fine Wine

by HausFrau

First and foremost, don't protest too much should your Frau drag you out of the way to a picturesque village (Cochem) located on the Mosel River. The Mosel valley produces some of the best wine in the world & you might be in dire need of a bottle or two after ferrying the wife and kids around for 3 days straight. So, take the damn detour & be happy about it.

When you come across a wine tasting cellar, get out of Frau's way least she run you over making a beeline for the wine glass insist that your Frau join you for a taste or two. It just might be considered a romantic gesture that might benefit you at a later date and time like cycle days 10, 12 & 14 after a round of Clomid.

Don't Buy everything that your Frau fancies because she fancies all things bottled & you'd go broke and she'd never hear the end of it approximately seven bottles of wine and take special care not to complain because you now have to haul the heavy bag of wine back to the Pilot.

Never complain about wine unless in the context of a nasty hangover.

Instead, be thankful that you get to meander through a beautiful little village as you take the long way scenic route through the Christmas Market on the way back to your vehicle toting some great deals on some great wine.

After yet another hour of driving in the dark, celebrate arriving at the destination with the Kinder intact the brand-spanking-new 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment for $52/night by cracking open a bottle of red wine. Nevermind that you are watching a re-run of Medium and not dining by candlelight. Share a bottle of the smoothest, sweetest bottle of Dornfelder ever with your wife true heart's desire.

Even if aforementioned rockin' accomodations do not have a damn corkscrew anywhere in the freaking kitchen and you this know because you looked in every drawer & cabinet have a well-stocked kitchen when it comes to enjoying fine wine. Don't let that stop the impromptu WeinFest.

And, definitely don't let not having a corkscrew slow you down. As it turns out, a beater from an electric mixer works just fine. Beat the hell out of the beater with the palm of your hand until the cork begins to move.

Very Important: Remember to pause long enough for your Frau to find the camera and start snapping. Paybacks are hell & you might end up eating plain ol' sandwiches for dinner for a month of Sundays if you continue this type of mission without proper consideration for the camera.

Next, wiggle and twist the cook cork to loosen her it up. Protest that you see absolutely nothing blog-worthy about opening a bottle of wine.

Next, whack that beater with all your might, pushing the cork into the bottle of fine wine. Insist that you see absoutely nothing funny about the situation. Remind Frau that all you are doing is simply opening a bottle of wine. Nothing else. You might consider punctuating your position with a frowny face that smacks of pure ignorance confusion.

Pour yourself & your Frau a freakin' huge nice glass of wine. Even if you have to use the ice tea glasses in the cabinet that have Air Force Inn - Spangdahlem stamped across the front. Now is not the time to be all snobby about the Frau's crystal wine glasses to which you have become accustomed. This is better than the disposable plastic cups in the bathrooms.

Chug-a-lug the first glass & then quickly get a refill. Convince yourself that this is acceptable behavior because you can't recork the bottle. Offer your Frau another quick refill & look puzzled because she's barely drank anything in the 90 seconds since you filled her glass. Notice the look of astonishment on your Frau's face as you pour yourself another glass.

And then reply in all seriousness, What?! Was that too redneck for you?!

Ignore your Frau when she responds I don't even know where to begin.

Finally, apologize profusely when your Frau realizes that you drank 3/4 of the bottle before the first commercial break she could even top off her glass. Gently remind her that a marriage is about give & take and that rarely do couples find a perfect 50/50 balance.

Of course, this isn't going benefit you in the bedroom . . .

where you will be sleeping with one eye open.

For a month of Sundays.