Batteries Not Included

Disclaimer: This did not happen to me or anyone I know. Even if you think it did.
It didn't. Just like Law & Order. OK?

As you all know, I am smack dab in the middle of a PCS, which happens to be military-speak for we are moving and it sucks. Once you PCS a few times, you develop tips and tricks for making the move less painful.

For instance:

Tip #2: All pens and Sharpies need to be placed into Ziplock bags prior to being packed up. This way, should anything leak, your couch will not be permanently wearing the evidence.

Tip #38: Round up all remotes and make sure they are packed up in a logical box -- like the one from the living room that also contains DVD's and the cables for the AV equipment. It's not so good if they are scattered all around & inevitably packed with towels, barbies and/or canned food. Especially when you really just want to crash in front of Desperate Housewives but the necessary remote is in an unpacked box of "Misc" items from the basement.

Tip #16: Have the movers tape all hardware to the piece of furniture to which it belongs. That way everything is handy for the other movers to reassemble with no excuses as to why they can't. Sorry, ma'am. We can't find the hardware. And, not that we looked very hard, either.

Tip #8: Have the movers load the tool box last. Very last. That way you have it handy at both ends. Last on a crate, first off. It's frustrating to need a screwdriver & have to substitue a licked-clean plastic fork from a Taco Bell lunch. Not that I would personally know, or anything. I'm just saying.

Tip #28: Have a Sharpie of your own handy. That way if the movers are labeling your boxes in a foreign language (Russian, Polish, etc), you can relabel in English while the contents are fresh on your mind.

Tip #5: Pets should be removed from the premises or locked in a room movers won't access. Our movers in San Antonio shared with us about a cat gone missing and found 6 weeks later inside the fold-out couch. It was a July move to Texas.

Tip #12: If you have good movers, they will pack out one room and leave the boxes in that room until ready to load. This will give you time to clearly label whose boxes are whose. Especially if you are us and everything kinder is labeled "Girl's Room" without specifiying Laze-E vs. MiniMe. Seriously, Laze-E might freak out if Rosie ended up in her room by mistake.

And, my favorite tip (#1, in case you are wondering) from this current move is Vodka. A little buzz is the only way to go. Just make sure the cat is locked in the bathroom beforehand. You'd hate to get all tipsy and forget about kitty & all those boxes.

These are just a few small tips and suggestions that could make your life easier if you happen to have a move in the works. We always feed our movers too. It might cost a bit on the front end, but the results are definitely worth it. If you have German movers, we have found that they love Dr. Pepper. But, don't just guess. Ask them what American junk they want. They may go nuts over Doritos too. Really, it's a small price to pay.

Especailly considering that the movers are about to rummage through everything you own. And, if you PCS like I do (I refuse to pack anything myself), the movers will see it all.

Everything.

Alles.

And, this fact brings me to HausFrau's PCS Tip #23: Locate EVERYTHING that is battery operated and remove the batteries.

Yes, you should do this anyway. Something about salt water (especially for an overseas move) corroding batteries and ruining your electronics. But that pales in comparision to other SNAFU's that batteries can create.

Just imagine that you happen to own (& remember I don't & neither does anyone I know in real life), oh how shall I delicately put this?

A rather large . . .

purple . . .

battery operated . . .

thing.

OK. Fine. It's a purple vibrator that got stashed away in some bedroom drawer & you (not me or anyone I know in real life) forgot all about owning the dumb thing in the first place.

Until . . .

one of your movers comes beebopping down the stairs carrying a box labeled "Master Bedroom".

And, that particular box is shaking & vibrating & buzzing & rattling & rocking & rolling like nobody's business.

At this particular moment in time, you might even choke on Dr. Pepper & Doritos as it all comes rushing back to you.

Oh, Yeah!

That Surprise Party over at the Capt's Wife's Haus back during the last deployment. Something about one too many cosmopolitans & the VISA just came flying out of your wallet. And a week later the rather large & purple & anatomically correct device shows up via Military Postal Service.

See? It's moments like these where you want your movers big-fat-squishy-hearting you for bringing them Popeye's or Taco Bell for lunch. Perhaps, they will overlook minor things like vibrating boxes. Or at least act like they know nothing about it (vibrating? what vibrating?!) as they walk past you out to Crate #12 of 16.

But, let's consider for one moment that you panicked for no reason at all. Let's just say all that buzzing & vibrating was a battery operated shaver that your Man was using during his last deployment.

You just overreacted & panicked for no reason. It was just a shaver. Silly. Next time drop some Vodka in the Dr. Pepper. Okay?

So, you survive this PCS & live to tell about it at your next duty station. Where . . .

You've unpacked every last box, hung every last picture, displayed every last piece of Polish Pottery and you are ready to invite the ladies over for coffee. A kind of Haus-Warming-Get-to-Know-Me kind of shindig. All very prim & proper because you are the new girl on the block and you've yet to figure out exactly who will be your Bunco & Bourbon Buddies.

You are serving coffee cake and coffee. All chit chat is appropriate & socially acceptable. Everyone is having a lovely time.

All the little girls are quietly upstairs playing dress-up. Everything is skittles and sunshine in your world.

Until your 4 year old comes beebooping down the stairs (can you say déjà vu?) in her tutu . . .

Look Mommy! I found THIS (ta-dah!) in my dress-up drawer underneath all my tutu's. Is it a fairy wand? Can I have it?

Let me tell you something, girlfriend. If you did not know who your new BFF's were before that particular moment in time, you do now. They are the classy ones who actually laugh out loud as they choke on coffee and cake.

Next PCS, though . . . you might consider packing up a few things before the movers arrive.