Are we there yet?

Saturday morning, I put the Pilot in reverse & backed out of our driveway. Driver's seat perfectly adjusted, butt warmer on high, dash & console swiped of dust, 80's music in the CD player, Laze-E riding shotgun. GPS set for Bavaria.

MiniMe was on a mission to thoroughly enjoy her status as our only First Class passenger for this 7 hour journey. Bum bucket perfect adjusted, blanket fluffed & tucked into all the right places, 2 pillows to support every nook & cranny from head to waist, Ella Enchanted playing on the on-board, on-demand rear entertainment system, go-cup of iced tea within easy reach. Cheese pizza slice being polished off as this most pleasant of journeys begins.

Traffic is light, skies are blue, clouds are cotton candy puffy & precisely 23 minutes down the road:

MiniMe: Are we there yet? This is taking too long. I want to be there.

Me: No, cupcake. Remember, we will be riding all day. Mommy is driving as fast as I safely can. Please just watch your movie.

Some short time later:

MiniMe: Are we there yet? I can't take it anymore. This is taking too long. When will we be there?

Me: Well, I need to stop and get gas before we cross the border. How about a quick potty break & we'll get a snack?

MiniMe: And, then we'll be there?

Me: No, sweetpea. Remember, we'll be in the car all day. But you can have some chocolate and finish watching Ella. OK?

Sometime later:

MiniMe: Are we there yet?

Laze-E: NO! Now stop asking!

Me to Laze-E: Hey, hey, hey. There's no reason to yell and get all huffy. Be nice to your sister.

Me to MiniMe: We are almost to the German border. It's still going to be a long time before we are to Heather's.

MiniMe: But, I want to be there right now!

Me: Sweetie, just chill. It's going to be awhile.

MiniMe: But, I'm hungry.

Me: Dear, you've had lunch & a snack. You can't be that hungry.

MiniMe: Ok, then. I'm thirsty. Are we there yet?

Sometime around 5 minutes later:

MiniMe: (said with the utmost whine and temper tantrum enthusiasm) This is taking tooooo looooong! I want to be there right noooooow! Are we there yet?

Me: No. We are not. there. yet. Not even close. Now please be quiet & watch Shrek.

Some undetermined amount of time elapses, but apparently not enough:

MiniMe: I can't take it anymore. I want to be there. How much longer is this going to take? Are we there yet?

Me: OMG! We are not there yet. Finishing watching Shrek & it will be time to stop in Wiesbaden.

MiniMe: Then we'll be there?

Me: No. And, stop asking! I will let you know when we are almost there. Now stop talking about it!

MiniMe: I have to pee.

Me: OK. We are almost to Wiesbaden. We'll stop to pee & get another snack.

MiniMe: You mean we are almost there?!

Laze-E: NO NO NO! We are not there yet! Now stop asking!!

Me to Laze-E: Please try to be nice to your sister.

Me to MiniMe: How about if we all listen to Shrek? When it's over we'll be to Wiesbaden.

MiniMe: Are we . . . .

Me: zzzzziiiiippppp

MiniMe: . . . there . . .

Me: I said, zzzzzziiiiippppp! Stop talking about it! Don't ask again! Not another word! Understand?!

Apparently, time flies when you are having fun. There I was driving along & listening as Fiona cooked up the eggs for breakfast & the next thing I know, we were jamming to Living La Vida Loca & the closing credits were rolling.

Oh, Thank God. I honestly didn't know how much more of MiniMe's antics I could have handled.

Wait one minute here. That little stinker just fast-forwarded through the rest of the movie!

MiniMe: The movie is over. Are we there yet?

Me: No! I am driving a flippin' 100 mph. Now sit there, zip the lips and I'll let you know when we're about to stop in Wiesbaden. Do not ask "are we there yet?" again.

MiniMe: Are we almost there yet?

Laze-E: No! And, shut up about it!

Me mouthing words to Laze-E: Oh, you go, girl!

Sometime after the pitstop (yes, everyone arrived safely at the pitstop location, I know you were wondering) MiniMe starts right back up . . .

MiniMe: When will we be there? This is taking too long. Insert: whining, crying, stomping, pouting, huffy crossed arms, sulking, head spinning & pea soup spewing . . .

Uh oh.

Oh no.

She just had to go there, didn't she?

It was at that moment in time that I went completely Momicidal on her:

OMG! OMG! We are not there yet! We are not going to be there for a very, very long time! I had enough patience, love & mommy-goodness to last for the 7 hour trip. I even slept-in this morning & didn't rush around trying to get us out the door. I packed snacks for the car & 12 awesome movies. I was excited to take this trip & really, really looking forward to it. It was a bright, sunshiny day. But, you had to keep going on and on and on and on. I asked you to stop. I told you to stop. I even tolerated a 10 minute 2-year-old-meltdown while you cried, kicked and practically screamed at me all because you couldn't just sit there and watch animated movie magic and be content. And, where does this leave us now? Let's see, we are 3 hours from our final destination & you have used up and abused every ounce of patience, maternal love & tolerance that I had for a 7 hour road trip about 3 hours too soon. Too bad for you.

So, I'm done. I can't deal anymore. Done, done, done. So here's the deal: you are going to sit your pretty little behiney in that bum bucket & watch 2 more movies without another word about how long it's taking. You are not to speak to me unless your words are dripping with rainbows, sunshine & puppies. If you ask one more time about "how much longer" I will have to pull over and,

uh, and, I'll,

ummm.

We'll I'm sure sure exactly what I'll do, but it won't be pretty & you'll most definitely be on the receiving end of whatever it is. You don't want to be around for that.

Where the heck did all that come from? Who is this crazy mom-lady? She could probably use a glass of wine or a chill-pill. Or two.

Of each.

Oh, and mommy loves you so much, sweetie. I know it's hard to sit there and be bored for hours on end, cupcake. But, you can do it, sunshine. Here's your blue gatorade & pillow, sweetpea. We'll play Enchanted, OK?

But, don't ask me about the trip, OK? Good girl.

We all climbed back into the Pilot & I white-knuckled the steering wheel to keep crazy mom-lady at bay. Thoughts of 'ritas at my final destination dance through my head. Then, half way through Enchanted:

MiniMe: Sissy, mom said I can't ask her, so I'm not. I'm asking you: Are we there yet? How much longer? Are we almost there yet? Are we close? This is taking too long! I just want to be there! I can't handle it any more! Are we there yet? Almost?

The rest of the afternoon & evening is a blur - that happens when crazy mom-lady wants to come out and play & I have to tell her "no". I remember something about "arriving at destination, on left". "Wow, Frau, you look like you need-a 'rita!" Another 'rita, buttery nipple, more 'rita, nuttery bipple, mo' rita . . .