A Fluffy Afternoon

For this blog entry, I must introduce two new players:

First up is MovieMan. MovieMan and Man are both retired from the Bluest branch of the military and are roughly the same age, give or take 8 years. MovieMan works for Man & they both seem to like the arrangement. MovieMan is a very jeans and tennis shoes kind of regular guy. Hobbies include his recliner, his laptop and his really big TV screen. We like MovieMan.

Next player, MovieMan’s wife, who we’ll just call FluffyFlorence. Now, FluffyFlo doesn’t actually live with MovieMan. She is not exactly a stand-by-your-TV-Man kind of woman. And, I don't know for a fact, but I suspect there are numerous reasons why a likeable guy like MovieMan found a job 4000 miles away from her job that she refuses to give up.

Hey, the offer was on the table for her to quit her job & come live in Europe while MovieMan foots the bill for a few years. She said, No. Thank. You.

I certainly don't get it - We all know that I couldn’t quit my job & get the house packed-out fast enough when Man afforded me that same deal. I guess that’s why we call me HausFrau and she gets strapped with FluffyFlo.

Anyway, FluffyFlo has been here visiting MovieMan & hanging out in his guest bedroom for the past couple of weeks. I didn't ask or assume anything about sleeping arrangements, that gem was offered to me unsolicited. As of yesterday, MovieMan had had enough of her ostentation ran out of leave time and was back at work. This left FluffyFlo at his house without transportation or any big plans.

Momentarily lacking clairvoyance on my part, I offered to take her TROCing. With visions of shopping in upscale European antique shops in her head, she accepted my offer & we headed out in search of mega-bargains on used furniture & knick-knacks. Or at least I did.

Me: I show up looking all cute in my denim capris & t-shirt wearing my comfy Birk sandals.
Fluff: She is clad in designer jeans, high-heels and a long-sleeved shirt with ruffles and buttons and glittery doo-dads.

Me: I pack cereal bars to take along so that there’s time to hit more TROCS.
Fluff: She plans to “do lunch”.

Me: I “oooh & aaah” at her attempts to fluffily decorate MovieMan’s house.
Fluff: She tells me that our house itself - the actual architecture part - is nice.

Me: I laugh that MovieMan has a room devoted to recliners and screens.
Fluff: She turns her nose up in disgust.

This was all before we actually began our trip. Since this was my incredibly asinine idea & our Pilot, by default I was the DD. Crikey! I didn't even have the luxury of slipping a little Long Island into my go-cup of iced tea . Being that it was virgin tea, it didn't take me but a New York minute to categorically decide that I really didn’t like her at all she's definitely not BFF material. The best I could hope for would be a few hours of tolerance – me tolerating her.

I made the decision to take the high road and be the poster child for elegance, charm and grace in this quite awkward social situation. I resolved to limit my commentary to weather and Belgian landmarks and German wines.

Ok, not really.

Do you know me, or what?

I chose to have a little fun and told her all about my adventures as Tampon Woman. She didn’t laugh, didn’t giggle, didn’t pee her pants or roll around on the floor, LOLing. She only responded with head-shaking tsk-tsking you just never know what kids will do.

Ouch. Tampon Woman is one of my better stories for getting at least a smile, if not a well deserved belly laugh. Anyway, for those of you who aren't familiar with Tampon Woman, if might be worth checking out.

So, here I am trying to be all nice & my good deed gets punished with a pretentious bitch highfaluting snob riding shotgun.

Eventually, we made it to a TROC & I quickly get down to business. Let's face it, with Man at the wheel, we just never know how long we'll be in one location. And, at this particular location I can refurnish the Haus for cheap. Carpe Diem.

It took about a nanosecond for me to spy some really cool outdoor CocaCola tables. Complete with, you guessed it, CocaCola umbrellas! They totally reminded me of various festive events in Germany & I’m really liking them. Dumbass me asks FluffyFlo what she thinks of them.

FluffyFlo’s cool response: I don’t know. I guess it depends on the look you are going for.

Me: Uh, I was going for the CocaCola look. It would be fun for the kids and sure beats the heck out of a SpongeBob table with the Patrick umbrella.

While driving from the first TROC to the second TROC, I mentioned that I was looking for a babysitter for Thursday night so that I could play Bunco (Man TDY to Germany, Laze-E TDY to Italy, Me looking to be TDY to the Bunco game at the 3-Star Lounge).

Fluffy Flo: Oh, if I wasn’t flying out on Thursday . . .

Me: Oh, you could go play Bunco, too! (I just suggested that thinking she might meet another fluffy there.)

FluffyFlo: Oh, I don’t even know what Bunco is. I was going to say that I could babysit for you.

FluffyFlo Thinking: Heck, I’d rather babysit MiniMe than hang out with this nutcase. And, what is Bunco anyway, some kind of Spouse’s Club strip poker?

Me: Oh.

Me Thinking: Wow. She's not a fan.

Not thinking that she totally hates me, I try again.

Me: Hey, if we hurry, we might have time to hit that other really good TROC on the other side of town.

FluffyFlo: Oh, if we get home sooner, rather than later, that would be better for me.

FluffyFlo Thinking: Nutcase has kidnapped me & I think there’s something really important about those first 24 hours . . .

Me: Oh.

Me Thinking: Aw, come on. I’m not that bad. I didn’t even bring up the book I’m writing titled “Twat You Need To Know – The Girlfriend’s Guide To Passing Along Useful Information To Our Daughters”

While at TROC #2:

FluffyFlo: Oh, my sister and her friend go to places similar to this in the States. They look for antiques. We call it antiquing.

Me: Oh. Well, I shop at Walmart & call it Walmartin'.

Me Thinking: Does she think I'm a complete idiot? Seriously, I get the connection. You shop for antiques and call it antiquing. I spend time with a fluffy & call it fluffing.

Me: Oh, score. I love this piece of furniture!

FluffyFlo: Well, hmmm. It’s scratched a bit here & I’m not sure about the finish here.

Me: Hello! It’s only 39 Euros.

FluffyFlo: Oh, I guess it’s okay if you are going for the cheap & scratched look.

Still at TROC #2:

Me: Hey Mr. TROC Owner Dude, can you measure inside my Pilot to see if both pieces will fit? (Because I found another great piece for 35 Euros.)

Mr. TROC Owner Dude: But, of course, my dear. We just love all you NATO-wifey TROCers. Anything for you!

Me: Score & score again! Both pieces will fit!

Me to FluffyFlo: Sorry about that. I had to push your seat all the way up and tilt it forward just an itty bit so that second piece would fit.

FluffyFlo: Oh.

FluffyFlo Thinking: I’m crushing my fluff & for what? So HausFrau can Trailer Park up that nice Haus of hers?

Me: It’s kind of an unwritten TROCing rule – physical discomfort will be endured without bitching complaining if you are bringing home the bargains. Hello. Everyone knows that. Even the general’s wife.

FluffyFlo Thinking: I prefer antiquing.

The afternoon drug on & I reminded myself again and again that I am way too old to hang out with people who I don't like, especially if I'm not getting paid to do so. I also worked out the details for HausFrau Rule #2. If you don't laugh at Tampon Woman, we can't be friends.

We only made it to two TROCs before it was time to call it quits. I figured that if I didn't quickly excuse myself from this trainwreck of a day that I would inadvertantly start babbling about duct tape and gorilla sex. My guess is that FluffyFlo couldn't properly hold up her end of that conservation, which definitely includes laughing at crude humor. I skeedaddled on back to the Brussels ‘burbs & was all zippity-quick about getting FluffyFlo out of my life and back to the confines of MovieMan’s house.

You remember MovieMan don’t you?

He’s the one who graciously accepted our hideously ugly particle board furniture. For his guest bedroom.

Does Karma rock, or what?!