The Survey Says . . .

Admittedly, I don’t forward most of the emails that wind up in my inbox. In order to be “send worthy” an email must meet certain rigorous criteria. I will pass them along to you if:

• I laugh out loud or snort Lambrusco on the computer screen
• There is one or more fine specimens of the opposite gender scantily clad
• I think it might be fun

With that being said, I recently sent around a list of questions that you were supposed to answer about me. A "how-well-do-you-know-me" kind of thing. Obviously, I thought it might be fun to see your responses. Obviously, I over-estimated just how hysterically unreal fun your answers would be.

Some replies I received were extremely predictable & accurate. One friend, who’s been around since Bo & Luke were steaming up the small screen on Friday nights (Hi, Tammy!), answered with the most insider knowledge exactitude. The only real point of contention was whether I like JCP or Kohl’s better. JCP is definitely better for bed & bath essentials. Kohl’s wins hands down for overall prices and free shipping. Considering our her age & the fact that we've been BFF's forever, I’m not going to hold a little retail preference against her.

Others of you had no clue what my middle name is & nor does that bother me in the least. Mine is not terribly original & I really don’t have a strong opinion about it. It being: Lea. Take it or leave it, but I would not strap an offspring with it. Although it isn’t, several of you responded with “Rene”. I kind of like that.

About my siblings: the overwhelming majority of you got that one right with your response of “yes”. But trying to determine who & how many & what relation muddied the waters a bit & your answers followed suit. I totally understand, because I even get confused with whom I am currently admitting family ties.

Margaritas were a popular answer to several questions. Who could argue that Jose would definitely take the edge off of being stranded on an island? with some of you.

Since I rag on write about them all the time, you all correctly predicted my libidinousness affection for Man & my tolerance of devotion to Laze-E & MiniMe.

There were various answers for my religion - the debate being Catholic (no) or Protestant (yes). Some of you know my birthday, others don’t, but it does tend to run right into Christmas, so I’ll cut everyone some slack there especially since you mere mortals are not gifted with my conceptual synesthesia. There were several answers for my “type of music” and that’s okay, I’m pretty eclectic in that department. Eclectic does not, however, include anything my mother likes any type of old-school, hill-billy, honky-tonkying, country with a twang.

At this point of the survey, we are all happy & I am feeling the love, both locally and transcontinentally.

Then I see your collective answers for two particularly sensitive questions, and I have to question my your perception of me. Not one of you applied the label of “Rule follower" when asked about my attitude toward established authority or tradition . Rebel, all the way! Rebel – with lots of exclamation points. Rebel with instances cited to support the fact (Hi, Andrea!).

Apparently, I need to work on my appearance of conformity. Allow me to accentuate some of my more “rule following” moments:

• Except when trying to infuse some humor, I speak and write grammatically correct and spell all profanity perfectly


• I drive the speed limit on military installations, especially when I actually see the MP’s setting a speed trap


• I eat my fruits and veggies and reward myself with a glass of Auslese


• I wear underwear most of the time


• I clean and polish my kitchen sink on a regular basis. Don’t even go there with the OCD thing.


• I fold bath towels to look aesthetically pleasing. You just had to go there, didn’t you?
  

Back to the questionnarie, let’s not forget your most offensive answers to the hair color question. I suppose we forgot our manners with answers like “gray or brown” or “brown with help” or just plain “brown”.

Let face it, if my self-esteem depended solely on your answers, I’d be a Prozac popping fool. HausFrau: married with children ho-hum, rebellious what-ev-ah!, outgoing (or did you really mean boisterous?) alcoholic margarita loving & strapped with mousy brownish, grayish hair.

You know who you just turned me into, right?

Sigh.

Friends, can you do me a favor? Should I ever again care to hear what you think circulate another questionnaire about me, show a little compassion and lie sugar coat. Most importantly, remember to add those southern “bless your hearts” – they really do take the sting away from the more blatantly honest responses. Heck, your answers could contain almost any insult honest feedback, and as long as there's a "bless your heart" in there, no one will hardly notice. As examples:

“You have two girls, bless your heart, have you lost your mind? & want another.”

“Bless your heart, I suppose someone has to stay be married to Man."

“You have one half-brother (current), one step-sister (current), one step-brother (current), bless your heart, an ambiguous number of legally-defined step siblings that ebb and flow with marriages and divorces, bless your heart.”

“Your birthday is December 20, and bless your heart, I can’t remember what year.”

“Well, you are mostly a rule follower, but, bless your heart, there are those times when you’ll drive the big-ass SUV straight through the pedestrian zone of major European city.”

“Your hair is beautiful, bless your heart. It’s a lovely shade of L’Oreal, Paris, Havana Brown, a Multi-Faceted, Shimmering Colour, with 3X Highlights warning: haircolor can cause an allergic reaction. “