Twisted Knickers

Recently, my Memaw was telling me a story about one of her shopping trips into town. Memaw was on a mission to find a new pair of shoes. Pink, because that's her favorite color. When Memaw couldn't find was she was looking for, she asked CutieTeen Salesclerk for assistance.

Memaw: Excuse me. I'm looking to buy some hot pink thongs.

CutieTeen Salesclerk:

This is total speculation on my part, but I'm guessing that horror-movie, slasher-flick screaming had to be deafening inside that pretty little head of hers.

Flip Flops, Memaw. We call them Flip Flops now.

Not. Thongs.

Certainly, not thongs.

So, I have spent a good chunk of this week slowly working my way through a mountain of laundry, most of it courtesy of Laze-E’s floor, damn floor. I’ve washed & dried & fluffed her towels, t-shirts & shorts. And, I have folded to perfection most of what came my way with the exception of a stray quarter, a leftover Princess Band-Aid (ewwww), 2 hair clippies & 2 ponytail elastics.

Uh, wait one minute here. Those aren't ponytail holders, are those . . .

2 pairs of thong underwear? In my laundry?

Being of the hipster, full-bum coverage persuasion myself, I’m not really sure exactly how to fold a thong.

OK, so folding a thong is not really the issue. And, neither is the thought of Laze-E walking around with a piece of elastic shoved up her butt riding her crack all day - provided that said piece of elastic is attached to practical & functional underpants. But, how did they end up in my dryer?

My mind has wandered to some pretty dark places. And,

I suspect that the middle school teens have been trading, sharing & borrowing more than just t-shirts and jeans. This thought is particularly disturbing because:

The idea of undie swapping is about as appealing as sucking on ABC gum.

The exact origin of these itty, bitty bloomers is a bit ambiguous.

And, who buys thongs for their 13 year old, anyway?

To date, I've bought My Little Pony briefs, fairly skimpy teen bikinis & everything in between, but never a thong for any hiney that I've diapered. Apparently, I'm not alone. Even The Limited, Too stores pulled the tweeny-teeny thongs off the market after a very brief (ha ha) run -- because it's just wrong & they eventually figured that out (probably with the help of lots of savvy moms out there who threatened to take their business & daughters elsewhere). Yes, I know there are various & legimate reasons for wearing thongs - none of which apply to Laze-E.

So, what do I do? Take the offending knickers out of circulation without mentioning it? Recycle them and let MiniMe use them for ponytail holders for her Barbies? Do I restrict Laze-E to white, 100% cotton grannie-panties until graduation? Do I attempt to return them to their rightful owner?

Hello, Mrs. ThongMom. I believe these belong to ThongGirl. Yes, these. I know they are difficult to see, being all x-small and all. Look closer. Yes, reading glasses are a good idea. See now? Yes. It is actually two pairs. ThongGirl must have left them at our house when we had that sleepover last weekend.

So, here I am, once again, flying by the seat of my underpants with this whole parenting thong thing. And yet again, I have to make up new rules in response to extremely dumbass scenarios & events that actually happen without prior warning.

New Haus Rule: Panties and bras must be roughly the same size until you are old enough to drive yourself to the Planned Parenthood Clinic vote.

Toodles for now. I'm off to buy a new pair of flip flops.