Number Nonsense

Date: Thursday, 26 September 2008

15:32 - The short bus arrives on time delivering both MiniMe & Laze-E. I am waiting for them at the bus stop. As MiniMe climbs down the steps, she tosses me her Little Pets backpack & we head to the Haus.

15:38 - MiniMe declares that she is starving to death a little hungry. No, she really says starving to death. She begs for Doritos, but settles for applesauce & graham crackers - without too much complaint.

15:39 - While MiniMe licks the crumbs off the counter polishes off her snack, I look in her homework folder to see what's the daily activity. Oh, lucky us. Today's Kindy homework involves coloring, cutting & gluing. Which is fine because at least it isn't more Letter A and a practice. Which isn't so fine because I can't locate any kid-sized scissors in my desk.

15:40 - Laze-E brings me kid-sized scissors from her room. I stand there completely amazed that she actually knew where something was in her room & could produce it in a timely manner. I took a moment to enjoy that small glimmer of hope that she won't always be so . . . so . . . disorganized.

15:42 - I settle MiniMe at the "bar" in the kitchen, explain to her how to do her homework & read the directions to her.

15:43-16:16 - MiniMe dilly-dallies around with the crayons & the scissors. She chatters about her day, she asks for Doritos, she goes to the potty, she needs a drink, she colors some more & she cuts.

15:43 - 16:16 - I help Laze-E find a snack. Then load the dishwasher, wipe off the counters, sweep the kitchen floor & start a load of laundry. OK, fine. I checked email too.

(In perfect 20/20 hindsight, I think I got a weeny bit distracted during this part of my story. You know, with all the HausWork and whatnot.)

16:17 - I peek over at MiniMe's homework & tell her she's doing a great job. She has her balloons all lined up in increasing order. Even though I was looking at it upside down, I could tell she was right on track.

16:32 - MiniMe finishes up & we put everything into her backpack.

From 16:33 on, we do normal, boring evening stuff around the Haus.

Date: Monday, 29 September 2008

15:28 - The short bus arrives on time delivering MiniMe. Laze-E had to stay for Homework Hall. I am waiting for her at the bus stop. As MiniMe climbs down the steps, she tosses me her Little Pets backpack & we head to the Haus.

15:34 - MiniMe declares that she is starving to death a little hungry. No, she really said starving to death. She begs for Doritos, but settles for applesauce & graham crackers - without too much complaint.

15:39 - While MiniMe licks the crumbs off the counter polishes off her snack, I look in her homework folder to see what's the daily activity. Oh, lucky us. Today we get to practice writing her name & make up a riddle about "something that begins with the letter D and moves".

15:40 - MiniMe dutifully writes her name on the lined paper & I look through her folder at the "graded" papers from the previous week.

15:41 - Hmmmm. What's this? It looks like she did the same worksheet twice.

Me: Hey, Sweetie, why did you do this paper a second time?

MiniMe: Because you didn't help me do it right the first time. I had to miss part of center time today & re-do it. The right way.

Me: Oh.

Me Thinking: Oooooooohhhhhh!

Oh, no.

The teacher is going to think I am the biggest idiot ever!

She's never going to let me be a Guest Reader. Much less be the Co-Room Mama.

Me Thinking: Oh, this is a raging case of irony if I've ever seen one. I've taken Calculus for goodness sakes. And, passed with a solid B.

Me: Hey, Mommy's sorry cupcake. I didn't mean to mess you up. I know how much you like center time.

Me: I guess next time we need to be super-careful with directions, huh?

MiniMe: It's OK. JellyBean didn't do hers right and missed part of center time too.

15:45 - Oh really? You don't say?

Me: OK, SweetPea, why don't you finish writing your name (again) & then you can watch some TV. Mommy has to do something on the computer really quick.

***********************************************************
Date: 9/29/2008
Time: 15:52:48 PM W. Europe Standard Time
From: savvyhausfrau@aol.com
To: ITeachKindy@dodds.net

Subject: MiniMe's Homework

Dear Miss D:

I wanted to apologize for MiniMe not having her homework done properly on Thursday. Her Dad helped her with the assignment. I hate to make excuses for him, but the poor thing did learn math in Wisconsin. A long time ago.

I have spoken to him about this and he promises to be more careful with "numbering" & "matching" in the future.

Sincerely,
~Mrs. Rockin'Bauer

***********************************************************
Date: 9/29/2008
Time: 15:52:48 PM W. Europe Standard Time
From: savvyhausfrau@aol.com
To: JellyBeanMama@army.net

Subject: Math Genius

Hey Brook:

Don't even try to tell me that JellyBean's Dad helped her with her math homework the other night. I know all about using that excuse.

I have a blender and Cuervo. Let's see if we can count any better en el Español.

Name the time & place.

~HausFrau

Hopefully, I did better on my homework assignment from the MUTER than I did on the Kindergarten math homework assignment. Hopefully.

Tooth Fairy Tricks

In honor of MiniMe having her first loose tooth, I thought I'd share some Tooth Fairy Tales from the Rockin'Bauer Haus.

The most important thing to remember about Operation: Tango Foxtrot is that there may not be a lot of lead time for proper planning. It's not like Operation: Sierra Charlie where you will be bombarded with constant reminders that Christmas is on its way. Besides, Operation: Sierra Charlie is easy - it's happens on the same date year after year after year.

Only slightly more difficult is a flawless execution of Operation: Echo Bravo. The date changes from year to year, but Echo Bravo always rolls around on some Sunday between late March and mid-to-late April. Again, the marketing geniuses in your TV and at your local Walmart will constantly remind you of EB's impending arrival.

There's not as much predictability with Operation: Tango Foxtrot. You are on your own to be prepared beforehand & there will be no marketing reminders to help you out along the way. What's worse, the dates always change and never have any significance like October 31 or July 4. You will be required to perform necessary magic on dates like March 6 or August 19 (those are nothing dates to me, yours might be different). And, it's important to note: whatever magic you work for the first big event, it will be expected without any deviation for all subsequent events.

You can be quietly rolling along with only a $20 bill in your wallet & right before bedtime your little darling looses a tooth. Of course, she'll be expecting 2 brand new $1 bills for the effort because that's what the Tooth Fairy always gives. It must be two separate bills because small children still think any kind of "two" is better than "one". And, don't be trying to substitute 6 quarters, 5 dimes, 3 nickles and 2 pennies - even though it's more money. That's not what the Tooth Fairy brings. She always brings two crisp $1.

From personal experience, I also don't recommend giving children foreign currency because they don't understand exchange rates. You will just end up wasting a lot of energy explaining that 5 D-Marks is actually more than $2.

I'm not saying that I am the worst Tooth Fairy helper ever, but between Man & I, we've run into several a couple of Tooth SNAFUs along the way.

SNAFU #1. Laze-E lost her first ever tooth while she was in first grade. It was a very big deal for it to be loose & for her to wiggle it constantly.The wiggling and tooth drama went on for weeks: Hey, Mom, feel how loose it is. But, DON'T pull it. Promise? And, DON'T make it hurt. Look, Dad, it's looser. OK, wiggle it & see how loose it is, but just a little bit. Is it going to hurt? No! Don't touch it. I'll just wait until tomorrow and wiggle some more. I don't want to pull it. Hey, look how loose it is.

When the tooth finally came out, Little Laze-E was thrilled. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt one bit & now she was finally going to get the honors of hiding her tooth under her pillow and anxiously await her very first visit from the Tooth Fairy.

And, she had a really cool hole in her mouth for her tongue to play with.

So far, so good, but then the real drama begins to unfold. Laze-E went to rinse her tooth off (because newly extracted teeth are nasty) and dropped it down the drain. Going, going, gggoooooooooonnnnnneeeeee! Very first tooth ever & it's washed down the drain within minutes of coming out. I'm sure you could imagine the hysterical crying and extreme duress of a child thinking the Tooth Fairy wouldn't come because the tooth was permanently MIA. After all, the Tooth Fairy only leaves money because she takes the tooth.

After crying for like ever a while & eventually calming down, we wrote a nice letter to the Tooth Fairy explaining the situation. Laze-E even drew a picture of the tooth as evidence of the event. Tooth Fairy came later that night, performed her magic & they all lived happily ever after . . .

Until one day quite some time later, Little Laze-E looses yet another tooth. I know, they just keep falling out of her mouth & I keep having to jump through hoops to remember the money/pillow thing. This brings us to SNAFU #2. It was a Friday night when this particular tooth came out. I was beyond exhausted because back then I was a working mama with an actual 9-5 & crashed early. I left specific instructions for Man to work the magic and he said that he would.

Only he didn't because he forgot. So, the next morning Little Laze-E all sad & feeling unloved crept into the office, where Man was doing his early morning Net surfing, crumpled into the corner, put her head on her knees and cried her eyes out.

The Tooth Fairy forgot to come & her heart was broken.

Now, at this point, I was still asleep but got jolted awake as Man charged into the bedroom & proclaimed Oh, Shit! He quickly grabbed his wallet off the dresser, produced about $4-5 (or twelve, who knows really?) and headed to Laze-E's room to help her "find" the money. The cover story was that Laze-E only looked under one of the bazillion pillows she had on her bed. Silly. The Tooth Fairy left the guilt money wad of cash under one of the other pillows (just like two seconds ago with help from Dad). See? It wasn't worth all the drama.

Oh, and look. She even left your tooth. (Because those little suckers are extremely hard to find under a bazillion pillows & when you have more important things to worry about like hiding money zippity quick.)

After that, everything was fine until a few years later. Laze-E lost a tooth while Operation: Sierra Charlie was in the final stages of planning. Because she was older at this point, she only casually mentioned in passing that she lost yet another tooth. And, because it was like the umpteenth one to fall out, it didn't register with my brain as a significant event.

Enter SNAFU #3.

I completely forgot about the fairy thing & Man didn't come to my rescue.

So, the next morning, Laze-E was full of drama about how the Tooth Fairy didn't come & that confirmed all of her suspicions that she does NOT exist. And, to add insult to injury, her lousy parents didn't even love her enough to sneak a lousy $2 under her pillow and pretend it was from the Tooth Fairy.

Oops! This goof-up was way too close to Operation: Sierra Charlie & not a good time to lose any of the magic associated with childhood heroes. Once the Tooth Fairy loses her magic, she's like the first domino to fall with the EB and SC not far behind.

Because I strongly believe in Christmas Magic, I had to help the Tooth Fairy out - again. So, I did the most practical thing possible: I yelled at Laze-E for a messy room! There was no sympathy about being let down, no shoulder to cry on, no speculations as to what could have really happened - like maybe the Tooth Fairy was really busy or got lost because we were at a new house. Instead, I ranted about clothes on the floor & junk all over the place. What's this? Eeeeeewwwwww! Is that cereal & milk from last week? Maybe, just maybe, the Tooth Fairy couldn't even get in the room, did you think about that? Maybe, and probably now that I think about it, the Tooth Fairy did leave money, but who could find it in the pig sty of a room? Try cleaning up your room, missy, and until then, don't come crying to me!

Hey, her room was a disaster area and I desperately needed to buy myself some time to think of a plan.

Predictably, Laze-E did not run immediately into her room to clean it up. I knew she wouldn't & that gave me plenty of time to sneak the money into her room and place it between the mattress and the wall, just behind one of her pillows. Like it fell there by total accident the night before when the Tooth Fairy was supposed to come came.

How brilliant was that plan? I got the idea off the Net. Just goggle what to do when tooth fairy forgets. There are some good ideas out there. Which leads me to believe there's a least one other parent who has dentally failed their child at some point.

Anyway, later that afternoon Laze-E cleaned her room & was elated to find the stashed cash. Belief and magic were restored, just in the Nick of time.

SNAFU #4 was bound to happen. As children get older, they tend to stay up later & later, which makes it trickier & trickier to do any clandestine activities involving teeth, money and pillows. One particular night not too long ago, Laze-E lost another tooth. I suspect that she just picked a tooth (any ol' tooth) and pulled it out because she wanted the money.

Regardless, I was determined to make a sneak attack to deliver the cash. Only I was tired from being HausFrau all day and didn't feel like waiting up for her to be sound asleep. So, I totally cheated & jammed the money into the edge of her light switch plate - which works great in Germany since the light switches are on the outside of the rooms. Works out even better if the Tooth Fairy never takes teeth in the first place, which ours doesn't because of the very first one going down the drain. Besides who wants to dig around amongst a bazillion pillows looking for a small tooth in the dark without awakening the sleeping child? My advice, leave the tooth, what are you going to do with it anyway?

To date, Laze-E still has not lost all her baby teeth. Now when the occasional tooth falls out, she goes to Man, holds up the evidence and asks for her money. Personally, I love the new way of doing things. It's so simplistic. And, I can enjoy a glass of wine without having to worry about alcohol-induced memory loss that might interfere with any kind of fairy duty.

Doing nothing sounds great and all, but MiniMe is already so excited about getting her first visit from the Tooth Fairy. I suppose I need to start planning the next Operation: Tango Foxtrot, which means I need to drag out the fairy wings, dust off my wand and raid Man's wallet.

Who knows? We may even be able to completely avoid Tooth SNAFU #5.

Uh-huh. Could too.

It's possible.

Anything is possible . . .

Even fairies who magically show up in the middle of the night to exchange teeth for money.

Anyone know where I would find one of those?

Playing Dress-Up

It's that time of year again when we must start figuring out what everyone is going to be for Halloween. Because I scored a great Medieval princess costume in April at Goodwill for $5, I no longer have to wonder what to wear. MiniMe decided to be Hannah Montana for the night & Target.com has confirmed that the wig has been shipped. Laze-E is still weighing her options. I keep reminding her that I am not paying retail prices for a costume & that she'd better hurry up so that it (whatever it is) has time to get here.

Man, well he's not going to be here anyway, but if he was, I am ready with a 2 liter bottle of Mt. Dew for a prop.

Our community is hosting a Trunk or Treat, so now I have to deck out one of the automobiles too. I have a great idea that I am working on, but it is a contest & I don't want to give away my strategy to idea thieves who are trolling my blog. I will give a hint though: I bought 11 silver Christmas bulbs, 4 colored sheer cutain panels & a black velvet shawl at the Thrift Shop today & I plan to use a ball, aluminum foil & one of the huge wardrobe boxes from our last move. Any guesses?

I also bought the greatest costume EVER for Rosie to wear. I can't wait to get pictures of her.

For all of you still searching for costume ideas, might I propose dressing as BB Lady? It's a really simple look and you wouldn't even have to go shopping for clothes. Think of the money you could save! No make-up, messy hair, over-sized t-shirt & bikini panties. Of course, you'll need to sport a Red Rider BB Gun, but I hear those are readily available at your local Walmart.

Hey, I have an idea. Let's all take a vote. Those in favor of Coral Anne dressing as BB Lady for Halloween, hit the comment button and say "yes". My rule is that if there are 10 votes in favor, then Coral goes as BB.

So, what do you think?

New Toothpaste

I don't believe I have properly thanked BB Lady for MiniMe's brand new toothpaste & toothbrush. So here is my big, fat, squiggly, with lots of hearts THANK YOU (written in dot letters). XXOO

MiniMe loves the new dental hygiene products & I have not uttered one profane word about toothpaste lids since it arrived in the mail. The flip-up lid is the absolute best, easy to open & beats the pants off that other crappy tube. Which, by the way, is history. Not only was the lid a cantankerous, it became next to impossible to squeeze any toothpaste out. There is just not enough Zoloft to deal.

Anyway, here's the upgrade:

And, who knew Rosie toothpaste even existed?

What's for Dinner?

Doesn't that question cross your mind at least once a day? Please tell me that it does.

Man thinks about dinner precisely once a day: when he walks in the door from work and asks What's for Dinner? It's a good thing I think about dinner ahead of time so when Mans inquires about dinner he can preface that with Something smells good.

Admittedly, I think about food and dinner quite a bit. It's a job-related hazard of being a HausFrau and the sole person in charge of all things edible at the Haus. It can also be blamed on my status as a foodie. I like to think about food & meal plan, I like to search for recipes, I really do like to cook, and, uh . . . uh . . .

Hello. My name is HausFrau and I really like to shop for groceries. Even at the commissary.

Or a Walmart Superstore.

I always have a dinner gameplan for at least a 2-3 day time period. If pressed, I could probably meal plan for a whole month without much effort based mostly on what I have stockpiled. And, I must admit, I'm pretty amazing when it comes to pulling together a meal from odds and ends in the pantry & freezer. Or, so Man keeps telling me. But, I secretly think he's just giving me lip service so he's not the one put in charge of reinventing leftovers. Or the firstovers that eventually create the leftovers.

Anyway,

My friend WonderWoman (Hi Heather) likes to eat (total compliment), but Heather is not so keen on cooking (which is sad beyond what I can express) & needs help answering the nightly dinner Q.

So, here's the deal. In honor of WonderWoman, I am starting a new blog where I do the most boring thing ever: write about what we eat for dinner.

I have two purposes for this venture: to give you dinner ideas & to share one of my passions. Most of my friends and family live so far away that invitations for dinner are few and far between. It's definitely one of the things I most miss about living the vagabond lifestyle that we do. So, by sharing our dinner menu, I hope to bring a little of the spirit of sharing a meal.

Good Food, Good Friends, Good Times.

And, a glass of wine, too.

Or a margarita, if fajitas are on the menu.

Or beer if it happens to be a bratwurst night.

Just know that if you were to drop in unexpectedly, you'd be more than welcome to join us for dinner. It's not always going to be glamorous, but it will tantalize the taste buds (or so I keep telling the children).

If by some chance you want to recreate one of my menus, I can pass along more detailed recipes or techniques, but it's not going to be a recipe-based blog - that's not really what I'm aiming for. If you want to add your two cents (or common sense) about a menu or recipe, by all means, hit the comment button and let us all know what's on your mind.

It may be useful to know a bit about our food situation here in Brussels before you start checking out what we are eating. We live an hour away from a commissary (Chev or Schinnen) & 2 hours away from a really good sized commissary (Spang). This just means that it's a total pain in the butt & very time consuming to grocery shop for American food products, so I stock up when I make the voyage. Sadly, I've become one of those two-cart shoppers (the kind that are totally irritating at a case-lot sale) & I'm proficient at spending over $400 in one trip. What that means is that my pantry & freezer are stocked with the basics. Our commissary is very averaged size for Europe and incredibly small by American standards. Consequently, my kitchen is not stocked with new-on-the-market items - not only are they not available, I don't even know what they are. If I have it in my pantry, I can almost guarantee that you can find it at your local store.

I don't shop on the local economy as much as I would like. The exchange rate - although getting better - has been in the toilet for a while. Add that to the high prices in general & most food items are too painful on the checkbook (at least to me). I also haven't completely adjusted to Belgian stores & still get nostalgic for simple German items like schnitzel, cheap wines & yogurts.

I am fairly budget minded when shopping and preparing meals, but certainly not a black-belt kitchen frugalista. I'm currently spending around $600 on food (I think). That does not include school lunches, Man's daily food court habit, or the occasion meal out.

Speaking of high prices, it's the main reason we don't eat out that much. When I balance the cost of a meal versus the damage to my thighs versus the convenience, my thighs and pocketbook usually win. It's not to say we don't eat out, we just do so less here than anywhere else we've lived.

I do cook from scratch, but I also use total convenience food occasionally - like prepackaged chicken strips & frozen pizza. I keep those items on hand for a quick meal since drive-thrus and take-out places aren't as prevalent here as in the States. Besides, it's a bad habit that doesn't help aforementioned thighs and bank accounts.

Having said all that, Not Just Schnitzel is open for business & ready to serve up everything from boring-old spaghetti to total food-porn schnitzel & spätzle. My goal is to update daily, so please check back often.

Guten appetite!

No Shoes, No Service

HausFrau's Checklist for Road Trips:

keys to the appropriate vehicle
sufficient amount of gas in the tank
prepaid gas card
gas ration card to buy another prepaid gas card
swiffer duster for swiping the dashboard
blue barf bags
booster seat
pillow & blanket (for everyone who thinks they might need a pillow & blanket)
military ID card
Belgian ID card
NATO ID card
TX driver's license
NATO driver's license
US Army Europe driver's license
International driver's license, if applicable
US $$ cash
Euros cash
VISA credit/debit card
passports (because you just never know)
go-cup of iced tea
juice box
4 water bottles
2 diet Cokes
12-pack of diet Mt. Dew
3 - Belgian cell phones, fully charged, with ample minutes loaded
3 - German cell phones, fully charged, with ample minutes loaded
3-4 MiniMe approved movies
iPod, fully charged & loaded with Laze-E approved songs
70's & 80's music CD's, Man & HausFrau approved
umbrellas
antibacterial wet wipes
commissary bags to be reused as trashbags
sunglasses
camera, fully charged, don't forget the memory stick
appropriately packed overnight bag for overnight trips
shoes

Everyone must remember their shoes.

Shoes.

Don't leave home without them.

Shoes.

That actually fit your feet.

Shoes.

Doesn't matter what kind.

Shoes.

Tennis. Ballerina flats. Birks. Thongs Flip flops. MaryJanes.

Shoes.

Socks, optional.

Did I mention that you need to remember shoes? Because should you forget shoes, you might end up one hour away from home on your way to an outdoor festival. With rides. Without shoes. You might even be forced to walk across a very dirty parking lot at a roadside reststop on the way to the loo. Crying, because you really have to pee and you have no shoes. And, crying even harder because it now occurs to you that you can't exactly ride rides with barefeet. You might have to walk to the toilet and back (eeeeewwwww!) with your twinkle toes fully exposed.

You might even have to hysterically cry because of the not riding rides issue. It might be a bigger deal now because you no longer have to pee and can devote all your time & energy into being upset about the rides, not being distracted by a full bladder.

You might even have to listen to your mother rant about how nothing is open on a Sunday in Europe and NO she doesn't have an extra pair of shoes in the glove compartment. Just a fire extinguisher.

Your dad might save the day by driving out of the way to find a PX because those are actually open on Sunday. But, you might also listen to your mother rant about how it's a crapshoot as to whether there will be any shoes that fit, that aren't $40.

You might have to cry some more just to prove how really, really sorry you are for forgetting to put shoes on even though your mother not only reminded you, but specifically told you which shoes to wear.

Your mom might start to chill once she realizes that there are cute shoes that fit you. And they are on clearance. You might even witness your mom do a little frugal happy dance. But you might secretly hope that no one noticed the dance.

You might even get to ride a dumb merry-go-round ride at the fest. But only that one ride because your parents might not want to pay another $3 for you to ride anything else. Especially dumb merry-go-rounds that are preschool sized. Not that there is anything else to ride anyway. Or to eat. Or to drink.

You might even hear your parents talk about how much better fests are in Germany. You might wonder if they will ever stop comparing Belgium to Germany. You might think to yourself probably not.

You might overhear your mom tell your dad that we need to plan a road trip to Germany for an (not the) Oktoberfest.

You might witness your mother pull a notebook out of her purse and begin making a Road Trip Checklist. Your mom might casually mention that shoes need to be included on the checklist.

You might plot & plan how to sneak one of your two new pairs of clearance shoes into the glove compartment. You know, just in case you should ever forget to wear shoes on a road trip again.

Especially to a fest in Germany. Where the rides are cheaper & better. And, where there is face painting. And, beer for dad. And, wine, maybe even federweisser, for mom. And, pretzels. And, bratwurst. And, pommes frites.

My Artistic Math Genius Girls

Of course, they can't help but to come by it maternally naturally. In case you couldn't extrapolate from the post title, I'll go ahead and spill the beans: this is a straight-up shameless mommy brag. If you aren't into that kind of thing, might I recommend Woman Who Mistakes Skunk For Cat? Heck, I suggest reading that story anyway. BB Lady could definitely teach her a thing or two.

If you are still with me, I'll assume you are dying to hear more about my children, so here goes. The Kindergarten Class read Lollipop Dragon last week and were asked by Miss D to illustrate the story.

I must point out (for the sake of keeping it real) that MiniMe didn't exactly spell her name correctly. I'm sure she just forgot her "t" & it doesn't matter. Remember, I'm bragging about her amazing freehand drawing ability & incredible use of color. Not her spelling or SAT verbal ability.

Of course, she traced the dot-letters to spell out "Lollipop Dragon". Hopefully, she made all those letters correctly with perfect directionality. Not that I can tell that after the fact, and you can't either & neither can her teacher, just for the record. I did happen to notice the obvious lack of big A's. I guess the 5 year olds mastered that learning objective & have moved on.

Next up in the spotlight is none other than Laze-E herself. She had science homework last week to create a circle graph/pie chart on the computer from given data. Instead of coming straight to me for a little professional advice, she asked Man how to make the graph in Excel. She asked Man and not me? Obviously, I'm not bragging about her decision making skill set.

Anyway, Man defensively immediately declared that it was not possible & that she needed to quit being Laze-E lazy & just trace the Miracle Whip lid on a piece of graph paper & use the straight edge of a PopTart box to divide the circle. And, hurry up, get your homework done, take your plate to the kitchen, pick up your popsicle wrapper, put your shoes on the shelf, did you do your chores, shouldn't you be in bed already?

Did you happen to notice the Y-chromosome Trademark of changing the subject to dodge any declarations of ignorance? Because I sure did.

And, for those of you not well versed in ManSpeak, I'll translate for you. All that garbledy-gook about Miracle Whip and PopTarts meant that he had no clue at all how to make a graph in Excel & that he didn't want to figure it out during NCIS any time soon. And certainly not tonight while there were plates to be picked up, popsicle wrappers to be disposed of, shoes to be put away & chores to do done.

While all the above was transpiring in the living room, I quietly pulled up Excel on my computer & a step-by-step web page on how to make a circle graph. I rescued Laze-E from Man & sat her down at my desk.

She quickly figured out how to make the graph & was parading it in front of Man within 15 minutes. He said good job, E! That's really impressive. Now, are your chores done? Shouldn't you be in bed?

Man & I tag team as much as possible with the good cop/bad cop routine. And, with dropping the ball. And, striking out. So the next night, I took one for the team & fumbled miserably. I was in the middle of my evening momologue: pick your shoes up, did you do your chores, get the popcicle wrappers off my desk, don't you need to be getting in the shower, do you have your homework done, put your plate in the dishwasher when Laze-E asked for a bit of computer time to figure out the combination to a locked lock. After all, it only took 2 seconds to throw away the popcicle stick, put a plate in the dishwasher & pick up shoes, so she was good to go. Homework and chores were done. Or so she said.

I agreed to 15 minutes of computer time but gave her a finger-wagging lecture on how it wouldn't (couldn't? shouldn't?) be possible to crack the code. Besides, if you could just look up the serial number & have the Internet pop up the correct combination, then what's the point of having a lock? And, no MySpace, missy. Or Webkinz. Got it? And, don't spend too long trying to open that dumb lock because you have school tomorrow & need to hit the hay.

So much for supportive parenting & encouraging your kids to reach for the stars.

Turns out, finding the right combination is only a little more complicated than just entering a serial number, but not much. The computer will narrow down possible combinations from 10's of thousands to only 64. After that, it's a matter of holding the lock a certain way to feel the inner movements of the pins & a little patience in the trial & error department.

She did it. Laze-E cracked the combination! Not only am I beaming proud of her critical thinking & determination, I'm doing a happy frugal dance.

She just saved me $5 for a new lock. And, a shopping trip to find one.

Go, Laze-E!

Seriously, had it not been my turn to play bad parent, I would have been a little more forthcoming with encouragement.

Now, I just need to make sure my kids are using their talents for the greater good of mankind & not for nefarious deeds. Hopefully, this story will never make it to print:

Rockin'Bauer Sisters Rob Bank

In a well planned and executed stick-up, sisters make off with $10M. The youngest of the two, MiniMe distracts security guard by agreeing to autograph her latest NY Times bestselling children's book series for his daughter while Laze-E expertly cracks the code to the bank's vault. Computer forensic experts determine the two extensively utilized Excel pie charts to plan felony. Popsicle wrappers found at the scene are being analyzed for fingerprints & DNA. Click here for full story.

Oh, is nefarious an SAT word?! Did I finally manage use one of them suckers?!

HausFrau Wordle

These are the Top 90 words on my blog. Should you happen to notice the embarrassing absence of any SAT verbage, just remember that sometimes it's completely acceptable to just spell everything correctly.

Apparently, I'm not running a highly intellectual operation around here.

But you already knew that, huh?

Come on. Make a Wordle of your own. It's fun!

Library Lady & the Info Fair

* * * * * * * * * * * INVITATION * * * * * * * * * * *

You are cordially invites you to attend the
Champagne Brunch
to celebrate the opening of the
2008 Information Fair

Date: Friday, September 12, 2008
Time: 0945 – 1045
Place: Star Spangled Bar Lounge
Address: Leuvensesteenweg Street Parkway Lane Road Blvd
Just Outside the Capital City Limit Sign, Belgium

********* RSVP by 14 August 2008 ********

Name(s) : HausFrau Rockin'Bauer
Representing (name of your organization): The Library
XX Will attend
__ Cannot attend

____________________________________________________

Hello. You've reached the Rockin'Bauer residence. We are unavailable to answer the phone right now. Please leave a message at the beep.

(tone)

Hello, Frau, it's the Info Fair Volunteer Lady. It's about 1930 Thursday Night. I called to tell you that parking is going to be a bitch tomorrow at the Info Fair. You might want to get there early. Also, you might want to bring in Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie. LOL HaHaHa! Just kidding. Maybe just some toys from home to use for table decorations. Have a good evening. See you tomorrow.

____________________________________________________

From the Desk of HausFrau

Don't Forget:

• pens
• sign-up sheets
• give-aways: bookmarks, lollipops, books, stickers
• for display: library books, Rosie
• hand-outs & flyers
• diet Pepsi
• minty fresh gum
• figure out something for dinner
  ______________________________________________________

When life hands you lemons a juice box for kids make lemonade a mimosa.

____________________________________________________

Random comments overheard at the Info Fair:

Whoa! That freaked me out.

Hey, I like your doll.

Did you ever find her any knickers?

Wow! She has really blue eyeshadow eyes.

Can she read?

Huh? Is that a Barbie? Uh . . . she's . . . uh . . . exotic . . . ?

_________________________________________________

Dear Story Time LΔdy:

Thank you for the book & lolliÞoÞ today. I like the book & the lolliÞoÞ. My mom is making me write a Thank You note for the book & lolliÞoÞ. Here's my Thank You note for the book & lolliÞo0Þ.
~ Charlie
********************************
Dear Liberry Γady:

I like your Barbie. She is very pretty. My MOM said that we couldn't buy her at the Thrift Shop because it costed like a thousand-huИdred-fifty-eleven-teen dollars, or something. My daddy doesn't make that much money. You must be rich.
~Susie

***************************
Hi Miss HausFrau:

I have a dog Иamed Roy. Do you have a dog named Яoy? Do you have a dooK book about a Dog named Roy? I would like for you to read a book about a dog name Roy.
~Billy

**************************
Dear MiniMe's Mom:

I DreW a picturЭ for you.
~Jane

**************************
Dear Reading Lady:

Hi. How are you? I am fiИe.
~Bobby

**************************
Hello Mrs. Яockin'BaueR:

I really likEed my lollipop today but my M0M did not. It got stuck to the car carpet. Next time can you bring chocolate chip cookies? I like cHC chocolate chip cookies. My mom said no more lollipops for me ! !
~Jenny Lynn

**********************
Hi Book Lady:

I have been really, really, really good this year. Sometimes it's hard. I would like for you to bring me a Pony. I know it will fit on your sleigh. Please. I promise to be good next year too. My Dad said NO. My MOM said ask dAd.
~Penny
______________________________________________________

The person you are calling -- Man Rockin'Bauer -- is either unavailable to take your call or has traveled outside the service area. Press 5 to leave a message or just begin speaking at the tone.

(tone)

Hi Babe! I'm beat & definitely too tired to cook. Can you see if the Shoppette has any frozen pizza? The girls want cheese. I was going to buy the pizza before I left post but my hands were full. Besides on my way down the elevator two really weird guys were giving me the creeps. Can you check with Security & see if they were authorized to be on-post? Love you. Mwah!

______________________________________________________

Hello. You've reached the Rockin'Bauer residence. We are unavailable to answer the phone right now. Please leave a message at the beep.

(tone)

Hey, Frau. It's the Info Fair Volunteer Lady Person, again. Seriously, I was joking about bringing Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie. Did you not hear my LOLing?

By the way, I'm giving you a heads up: You really freaked out two guys in the elevator on the way to your car this afternoon. They thought you had a real child in that big ol' blue Ikea bag. They reported you to the military police & security guards. Can you remember which guard searched your car this morning & saw Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie in the trunk? He'll vouch for you. Not to worry. I'm sure it's nothing . . .

I Love School

All About Kindergarten

by MiniMe Rockin'Bauer

Hey, did you know that Kindergarten is so much fun?! Well, it's fun unless you get into trouble, then it's not so much fun. But, if you stay out of trouble, Kindergarten is fun all the time.

I was a weeny bit worried that I would miss my Mommy during the daytime, but that was completely silly of me! Turns out, I don't even think about her all day until the bus pulls up at my bus stop in the afternoon. That's when she's supposed to be there waiting on me & that's when I think about her.

This is a picture I drew of Sissy & me on our bus. Only it's not really a bus. It's a van. Teacher wrote all those perfect teacher-letters, but I wrote my name.

I still love her. My Mommy that is. But, seriously, school is way better than hanging out with her all day long. She gets boring after awhile with all the typing on the computer & banging around in the kitchen. And scrubbing toilets, but not near as much as she leads people to believe.

Anyway, one of the best things ever about Kindergarten is that my two bestest friends ever are in my class. Their names are JellyBean & Essie. We get to sit next to each other, play at recess & have lunch together. That's pretty cool.

There are only 10 kids in the whole Kindergarten so all my friends & I have the same teacher, Miss D. Nobody else teaches Kindergarten so it's just us & Miss D and no one else. Except for the other teacher in the classroom who helps Miss D out. Her name is Miss K.

My Mommy made me bring lunch the first day of school. That was okay with me because she packed a PB&J sandwich & CheezIts. And orange juice. At least I thought it was okay until I saw what the Lunch Ladies were serving for hot lunch. It was cheese pizza! But, I couldn't get any because Mommy packed me this dumb PB&J sandwich and she didn't give me any lunch money.

Since then, I had a little talk with Mommy & she lets me get hot lunch. But just on certain days. Like when the nice Lunch Ladies are serving cheese pizza or chicken nuggets. But not when the Lunch Ladies are serving yucky stuff like fish sticks or chili mac.

Oh, you know that part about staying out of trouble? Well I did really good until yesterday. But it really wasn't my fault. Miss D was working with the class showing us how to draw A & a. Like that is soooo easy-peasy because I already know how to draw A & a. So, I drawed my A's and a's. There were four of each and it took me like 1 minute to finish. Which was a really good deal for me because I was done with my work and had time to tell Essie all about my new shoes.

Here are the letter A's & a's that I drawed speedy quick during seatwork time.

My shoes finally showed up in the mailbox & I got to wear them to school. Essie really liked my new shoes, especially since they were the Hannah Montana ones from Kohl's. With hot pink & silver stripes on them.

Apparently, Miss D doesn't like Hannah Montana or her shoes much because she looked right at me with squinty eyes and said SHHHHHH.

I looked at her and nodded my head so she knew that I understood her & held up my finger like Sissy does when she's telling Mommy that she needs one more minute to finish up on the phone with TGirl even though Mommy told her to get off the phone like right now. I just needed one more minute to tell Essie about how fast I can run with my new Hannah Montana shoes.

But, Miss D interrupted me (which is rude because you are supposed to wait your turn to talk & it's one of our Kindergarten rules not to talk when someone else is talking, but apparently, that rule doesn't apply to teachers named Miss D) & said that Essie and I couldn't go to center time. I had to put my head down on my desk and cry a little bit because I really like center time. Especially the sand table & playing with the horses.

Miss D said that she needed to help me do my letter A's & a's again so that I can do them the right way. I don't get it. I already did my letter A's & a's and now I have miss center time because I worked ahead of the class.

So, I had to sit at the table and do letter A's and a's - again. I did them again in like 45 seconds but Miss D still wouldn't let me go to centers. I had to sit at the table and be quiet, which is almost as bad as missing center time. Teacher said I could either draw a picture or read a book.

Here are the letter A's and a's that I drawed again while Miss D watched & I missed center time. I think they look the same as the other ones I did when Miss D wasn't watching.

Mostly I like to read books & draw, but not when I could be playing with sand or horses. Time Out from centers is not fun. At all.

This is the picture I drew when Miss D said that I couldn't go to centers. It's of me all by myself not playing with sand or horses in centers with my friends.

Anyway, I came home from school and told Mommy all about missing center time. Mommy said she'd take care of it. Which I thought was great because somebody needs to tell Miss D that I can't miss center time anymore because of my letter A's. I'm like Go, Mommy! You tell Miss D that I get to go to centers!

But, Mommy had to burst my bubble and tell me that's not what she meant. She said she'd talk to Miss D and get the other side of the story. I wanted to know what other side of the story she was talking about. I was there & there was only one thing that happened: I got center Time Out because of the stupid letter A's. Mommy said regardless of the other side of the story that I still have to follow Miss D's rules and do what she says.

Well, that sucks. Mommy says I'm not supposed to say that word, but everyone else around here uses it all the time, especially Sissy. And, besides, it does suck to miss centers. And have to draw letter A's - again. And, not get to play horses.

And, I don't really think I should get into trouble for talking. Mommy warned Miss D before school started that I like to talk. I was there playing horses with Miss K & I heard Mommy tell Miss D to keep me busy or that I would start talking and get into trouble. See? It's not my fault. I made my letter A's and a's, got bored of listening to Miss D go on and on about how to draw the lines the right way, so I started talking about my new shoes. Hello?! Did Miss D think Mommy was joking about the talking?

Now that wasn't very good thinking on her part, was it? Did she not listen to Mommy? Because Mommy gets mad when people don't listen to her. Especially when you pretend to listen but then do what you want anyway.

You know what? I had homework that day and you know what it was? It was making stupid letter A's & a's - again. That is so dumb. I already made letter A's & a's twice at school & now I had to do them again! This time it only took me 30 seconds to draw my letter A's & a's. Mommy looked to make sure I was drawing them right. Which I was. And, Mommy said Good Job.

Here are the letter A's & a's that I had to do for homework. Mommy agrees with me that all three pages of A's & a's look about the same.

I think Mommy has wised up to Miss D. She knows Miss D didn't listen to her about my talking & being bored. Which I'm thinking might be too bad for me, because Mommy suggested more work to keep me busy & quiet. Which I think is okay as long as I still get to go to centers.

But, wait until those two find out that I can write my letters the right way and talk at the same time. They are going to have their hands full then! I think I heard Mommy telling Daddy something about that not being her problem.

I think that means it's Miss D's problem. Gosh, I hope it doesn't end up being my problem.

Also, I heard Mommy say something to Daddy about it being too bad, so sad that Miss D can't drink during class. Mommy doesn't mind my talking, talking, talking as much when she's got a glass of wine. Maybe we can give Miss D some of that for Christmas.

Mommy said Miss D is definitely going to need it by then, but that she's not sharing.

Anyway, I think school is the bestest ever. Especially center time and hot lunch.

And, recess.

And, music class & art class.

And Host Nation class.

But not time out from centers. And, not making letter A's & a's over and over.

A big, fat Thank You to MiniMe for helping Mommy complete her homework mission from The MUTER.

Guess Who

If you've been paying attention, these should be super easy.
Good Luck with this First Round of Guess Who!

1. Who was Man referring to when he said, "Hey, she's not stupid, she's just lazy."


2. Who was holding up the other end of this conservation?

??: Oh, I just farted! (insert obnoxious giggling)

Me: Oh, thanks a lot. (insert eyeroll) You don't do that in school, do you?

??: Yeah. (insert more giggling)

Me: Then what do you do?

??: I just move to another area. (insert an I'm-oh-so-clever smile)


3. Who can be credited with the following?

??: Hey, Mom. Do you think coconuts come in D-Cup different sizes?


4. Who expertly snapped this picture while driving in traffic?

Auction Amusement

I've had absolutely the best time ever this morning browsing on eBay. I have been on an all out mission to purchase some nice, full-bum coverage knickers for Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie. Preferably ones that won't fall off her 13" waist.

Sadly, there are no Barbie panties listed. I'm not even sure any have ever been manufactured. But, instead of grumping around because I can't find what I'm looking for, I decided to be amused by the most mundane eBay listings.

A simple search for "My Size Barbie" & a glass of iced tea can be quite the entertaining combo on a Monday morning.

During my search, I found this doll - I'll call her PlayBoy Bunny Barbie - listed for auction. Apparently, Mattel's answer to the Commando Barbie issue is to paint on PeptoBismol pink Spanx.

According to the seller's description: She has a bright pink torso. Face is very pretty with sparkle eyeshadow, blue eyes and bright pink lips. Hair is rooted.

Let me guess. The eyeshadow is blue? And, you can see that the hair is "rooted" because it sticks out in clumps?

This Barbie - Miss America - is also listed. The seller felt the need to write: She has long blond hair.

Seriously? A Barbie with long blond hair? Thankfully, that was pointed out or I would have made the wrong assumption.

I also checked out this doll - Alabama Homecoming Queen. Yes, she is pretty in a way that Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie could never be, because she's a real Barbie & not some cheap generic knock-off. But, what I found most amusing was the seller's description:

I also had washed, brushed, and styled her hair. Unfortunately, when I was brushing her hair, it was very knotty, and I accidentally pulled some of her hair out from the top of her scalp. As you can see from the pictures though, it is not noticeable at all....Depending on how you style her hair. If you leave it down, but brush the front of her hair back, you won't notice...And if you brush it back and pull it up in a ponytail, you also won't notice. There are tiny little holes that hold a certain amount of her hair on the scalp of this doll, and there are probably 7-8 of these holes on the top of her scalp that are missing hair because of how hard I brushed her hair.

She goes on to mention that this Barbie was her niece's & that she has 2 sons. I guessed as much.

Moms of girls are very familiar with knotted up plastique hair & we know all about aggressively brushing to remove the knots & tangles on everything from Bratz to Barbies to Little Ponies. We also know about ripping the hair plugs out. And, strategically placing hair doo-dads to hide the damage. And, because this is universal knowledge, we wouldn't have bothered to mention it. Much less write a dissertation.

One of my favorites is Redneck Barbie.

The seller's brief description included: 3 foot tall Barbie doll with clothes she is wearing very nice.

First of all the term clothes is used very loosely. What is she wearing anyway, a wife beater? And, that very nice part is relative, don't you think? I'm assuming this picture was taken from the front deck of a 1973 trailer house. The seller probably has a Red Ryder BB gun listed, too.

Next up is Scantily Clad Barbie. No, the doll is not actually for sale. Just the dress. For $21.99, plus $6.00 shipping.

That's $27.99 for 12" of fabric. You think it's real gold?

Just for the record, not all Barbies are dressed slutty fashionably. I discovered Little House on the Prairie Barbie. She's also wearing a purity ring; it's just difficult to see in this picture.

The seller does note: Her hair needs a good combing.

My guess is that this is her daughter's Barbie & she's tired of brushing the hair, and as a result, is selling "as is".

Another notable auction is for Lady Godiva Barbie:

This seller mentions: She has been played with and has normal small scuffs, her hair does need a good brushing. There are no clothes that came with this doll.

Oh, there are no clothes & that's why she's naked?! Who would have thunk it? Is it just me or does the flesh colored Spanx just look like a bad tan line? I think I prefer the Pepto Pink. Or panties.

And, finally, my all time favorite Sitting Pretty Barbie.

This seller totally missed the best attribute of this plastic chick: in the sitting position her feet are pointed forward! No spread-eagle porno poses await the unsuspecting buyer. That fact alone, properly pointed out to potential purchasers, could have upped the sale price by a good $10. Maybe even $20 if potential buyer had any experience with surprise spread-eagle poses last Friday night in her past.

The seller failed to mention that this Barbie comes with no clothes. I guess she assumed we understood that being that she's pictured naked.

Do you think sellers ever stop to really read what they are writing? This one notes: My Size Barbie is in good used condition for being 32 yrs. old. She is 37" tall with some finger nail polish still on her fingers and the rest of her makeup still on she is still a really pretty doll. She is definitely having a bad hair day. She has all of her fingers and toes and she is still in a good but used/played with condition.

I guess it's just a good thing these eBay sellers are marketing plastic dolls & not HausFraus. Hey, not bad for 32. Some of her nail polish still remains, and most of her make-up (especially the blue eyeshadow) is still on. And, she has all her fingers & toes! An occasional bad hair day, but nothing that a good brushing wouldn't fix. Good but used/played-with condition. Clothes not included.

Opening Bid $0.00. No reserve.

Another Bottle of Lambrusco, Please

Um, let me preface this post by first saying . . . What did I ever do to deserve this?! I sent MiniMe upstairs to take a bath & then I walked into my office to . . . to . . . to . . . well, let's just put it this way, I can't freaking remember what I came in here to do!

Will someone please send me some panties to put on this damn doll?!

Response to BB Comments

While we are all anxiously awaiting jpeg's of the damage that BB inflicted on the siding on her house during Operation: Shoot the Balls of SuperSkunk, I feel the need to respond to a few comments made in reference to my post Legend of BB Lady.

Oh, by the way, BB, what could possibly be taking you so long with the pictures? Just point, click & send. I'll take care of the hard part of making them easily accessible on the WWW.

First of all, I'd like to address WonderWoman's (Hi, Heather!) comment about my drinking wine out of a box. It's no secret that I am no snob when it comes to fermented grape juice, but to automatically assume I'm chugging the stuff out of cardboard is pushing the envelope just a bit too far.

For parties, boxed wine might be okay - but it totally depends on who is in attendance. Good friends: Hey, pass the box, please. Business associates of Man's at an obligatory shindig: Hurry up and pop the cork, darn it.

For just everyday occasional consumption at the Haus, a box is just a little too much in volume, even for me.

Personally, I smiled when WonderWoman referred to my Bordeaux-Cabernet Sauvignon-Merlot as a wine "suicide". And, for those of us who grew up in the 80's, we totally understand her reference. But, I must warn you: this new generation of irritating adolescents teen soda mixers is calling the concoction a "heart attack". Please just be aware, you will be verbally corrected should you use the wrong terminology to anyone younger than 18.


Here's a picture of the bottle of wine that was consumed earlier this week - over a 3 day time period thankyouverymuch. As you can clearly see, it is a bottle, not a box. And, as I mentioned earlier, I'm not snob. Notice the absence of any cork.

Screw top on a wine suicide. Seems appropriate.

Notice that I've got a very nice looking basil plant in a very nice piece of pottery. Go, HausFrau.


Next up, I need to address a comment made by Man when he read all about my trigger happy friend. When I wrote that BB was "playing with her NeoPet" it was not some kind of HausFrau code slang for "using her vibrator". I'm sure you all appreciate his enthusiasm, I know I do.

And lastly, I'd like to address comments made by BB herself. Yes, in fact, we would all love to see your story turned into a made-for-tv movie. Might I suggest casting Joy from My Name is Earl to play the lead role? Of course, some creative liberties would have to be taken. The scene most definitely would have to be a trailer park & it's practically required that she'd be shootin' up the metal siding on her trailer, the 1973 model. I'm also thinking a Hooter's t-shirt would add a nice touch. You know, keeping it real.

As for several comments made about my embellishing the facts for the sake of a laugh or two: sorry to disappoint you, but there was absolutely no need to do so. BB handed me that one on a silver platter. Served with a glass of screw top wine.

Legend of BB Lady

You know, just know, there's going to be a great story coming when this appears in your inbox:

******************************************************
Subject: Skunk
Date: 9/3/2008 4:40:36 PM W. European Standard Time
From: coral_anne_with_an_E@yahoo.com
To: savvyhausfrau@aol.com

I will call you on this one:) LMAO
******************************************************

Seriously, I could hardly wait for this late breaking news out of North Central Texas. I made a quick tinkle trip to the loo & topped of my glass of Bordeaux-Cabernet sauvignon-Merlot (I swear that is what's on the label - a mixed red wine cocktail of sorts). Then sat back and awaited the trans-Atlantic call.

OMG! After hearing all about the skunk, I've decided it was more of a Bud Light story, not a red wine story Mr. Jeff Foxworthy & I need to have a little tête-à-tête because I have some new comedic material for his next coast-to-coast tour. It goes something like this:

IF . . .

you have ever stood outside at 11 PM in the pouring rain, dressed only in your Hotter-N-Hell Hundred t-shirt & VS cotton bikini panties, firing your son's Red Ryder BB gun in an attempt to shoot the balls off some skunk who happens to be trespassing in your yard . . .

You might be a RedNeck.

You think?!

OK, in BB's defense she didn't just grab the gun & run outside willy-nilly to shoot up the neighborhood without first being provoked. There was actually a method to her madness.

Sorta.

Kinda.

Not really. But it is quite entertaining.

So here's the story:

It was a dark and stormy night. Isn't it always? BB Lady was up alone late that night playing with her NeoPet (yeah, me too, I thought she would have been doing 80's karaoke, or reading my blog) when she heard her dog going absolutely berserk out in the backyard.

Never mind that she thought the dog was inside, she had to see what was up.

Apparently what was up was the biggest tail ever on a skunk that her dog had cornered by the house. She didn't immediately flip out over just this particular skunk, she flipped out over all collective skunks in her past. To include ones that were living under the house last year & the one, probably this one, who sprayed her dog a couple of weeks ago.

Her first mission was to get the dog away from the skunk - no easy task since fighting with the skunk was way more doggie fun than retreating to the safety of the living room. Besides, BB Dog had to stay and protect her scantily clad owner. You know, should the fashion police or Fab 5 show up.

Gosh, don't you know they would have their work cut out for them in Wichita Falls, Texas?!

Anyway, BB Lady managed to get BB Dog into the house. Mission was accomplished at this point. Should have been a done deal. But, instead of just shutting the door & calling it a night like a normal person would do, she decided that she was going to annihilate the punk skunk.

It was right then that some neurons misfired in that pretty little head of hers and craziness reigned supreme. She woke up her 9 year old, demanding help with his Red Ryder BB gun - which, incidentally, she had never used before. Ever.

BB Boy mumbled something, pointed to the Red Ryder BB gun, mumbled something else & headed back to bed. Apparently, BB Boy was not really awake. Either that or he didn't want to be scarred for life by witnessing his mother freakin' lose her mind. Dressed only in a t-shirt & panties.

Anyway, BB Lady now had a fully loaded Red Ryder BB gun & headed back outside ready to kick some punk skunk ass.

At this point, the story being told to me by BB Lady herself, became a jumble of shots being fired & skunk expertly dodging the BB pellets.

Something about Be still you little vermin! I'm going to shoot your eye out!

Something about a Mother-effin' weasel!

And, lots of other words that I can repeat on this PG-13 gig I have going on here.

BB Lady, on her maiden BB shooting voyage, was having some difficulties actually hitting the target. Or getting even close. She took a quick intermission, ran back into the house & woke up BB Man. Who, by the way, was quite pleased to be included in this comedy drama. He grumped around, like Men do when their Fraus wake them up and drag them outside in the rain to shoot the balls off a skunk.

Once BB Man determined that the dog was inside & the skunk outside. He mumbled a few cable TV curse words & padded back to bed. Leaving BB Lady alone to finish what she started - a spur-of-the-moment offensive war on SuperSkunk.

In the midst of dodging Red Ryder pellet spray, SuperSkunk did have the balls (1, 2, yep, still intact) to actually stand up to BB Lady and charge at her a few times. Again, I a normal person would have skedaddled back into the house and locked the door. But not BB Lady, she was on an all out mission to give me something to blog about today. And, I love her for it. Risking her reputation & an embarrassing clip on YouTube all in the name of HausFrau.

I know that you are going find this incredibly difficult to believe, SuperSkunk even sprayed at one point. Which led BB Lady to think that she actually may have hit him. At least once.

BB Lady decided that she had won the battle and bee-bopped back into the house, plotting and planning how and when to win the war. Note: war planning does involve a trip to Walmart for a skunk trap. I would try to talk her out of it, but we are so far down this road already, why not finish the journey?

Besides, aren't we all just a bit anxious to read all about BB Lady vs. SuperSkunk - The Final Smackdown?

So, BB Lady, make sure you purchase some bait for that trap. I hear skunks like to eat frogs, snakes & lizards. Wikipedia also warns that skunks have some awesome anal muscles and can accurately spray a target up to 15 feet away. But there's good news. It's going to take SuperSkunk up to 10 days to replenish his load. As of publication time of this blog, you are sitting at T-minus 9 days, and counting. Strike while the iron is hot and the anal glands empty. Regardless, be careful & keep moving.

Meanwhile, after a night of bullet dodging, defeated & deflated, SuperSkunk slunk off to his skunk hole. Where the following conversation occurred:

Edna: Cletus! You are late for supper - again. Just where have you been, mister? Answer me, where have you been? Did you remember to bring home that deodorant I needed from Walmart. Probably not . . . Hey, what's that smell? Did you (gasp) spray?

Cletus: It's true, Edna. It's true. She does exist. I saw her with my own two eyes.

Edna: Who? Cletus, you are talkin' nonsense. You've been drinking again? You look about drunk as a skunk.

Cletus: No, no. Really. I've been laying off the mojitos. And, the Bud Light. I've been on the wagon for darn near a week.

Edna: Then, what are you talkin' about? Who did you see?

Cletus: I saw her. BB Lady.

Edna: Oh, come on, now. You're just talkin' craziness. BB Lady don't exist. She's just some Urban Legend, Tall Tale. You been hangin' around Bubba again? You know Bubba ain't nothin' but trouble. Makin' up all that crap about gettin' shot by a BB. Ask me, I think, BobbiJo put a whoopin' on him for sprayin' her at the drive-in movie.

Cletus: She's real. I saw her standin' there in the porch light, wild Charlie Manson eyes, wet hair clinging in clumps to her head. Something about "Hell" on her t-shirt. I swear she's the Devil's Spawn. Standin' there, jumpin' up and down. Cockin' that Red Ryder BB gun vowin' to shoot my mother-effin' eye out. I tell ya, she can't aim worth a shit or my ass wouldn't be here right now.

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• Subject: OOPS!
• Date: 9/4/2008 2:30:59 AM W. European Standard Time
• From: coral_anne_with_an_E@yahoo.com
• To: savvyhausfrau@aol.com

OMG, you should see the $21,000 brand-new siding on the back of my house!!

I will take pictures tomorrow after I run to Walmart. In the mean time, imagine four holes on the corner piece with insulation hanging out!

I was going to keep it a secret & eventually blame it on some BB gun carrying gangstas, but BB Man has already seen the damage.

I had no choice but to fess up.

BB Man's sole response was "Oh. My. God."

Oops.

OK, no time to cry over pock marked siding spilled milk. I have a skunk attack to plan.

Walmart List:

• skunk trap
• skunk bait
• Bud Light (for BB Man)
• box of BB's
• bottle of Bordeaux-Cabernet sauvignon-Merlot (for me)

I'll keep you posted. ~BB Lady

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HausFrau Observation: The only conceivable way this story could have been funnier - BB Lady standing on a case of Bud Light, shootin' up the metal siding on her 1973 trailer house. Located in a trailer park. Enter the local PD with Cops cameraman in tow.

First Day of Kindergarten

Last Wednesday, I got a bug up my butt made the decision to send MiniMe off to American Kindy. I know. I said I wouldn't. Couldn't. And, shouldn't.

But, I did.

Let's just put it this way -- I'll definitely have something to blog about.

So, it's totally worth it.

Plus, MiniMe has friends in the class.

Of 11 kids.

Yes, 11 kids. With one teacher, one Kindergarten Aide & one SpEd Aid. That turns out to be a ratio of 3.6 (repeating) kids per 1 adult.

I couldn't have paid tuition and got a better ratio than that. By the way, DoDDS insists that this Kindergarten education that MiniMe is about to receive is worth in excess of $19K.

For that kind of money MiniMe might learn to read and gets to play with glue. For less than that kind of money, I got a bachelor's degree & a master's degree & no job job security. It's all about even, don't you think?

Here's the funnest part ever: MiniMe is in the same school with Laze-E. I know that a lot of you have your kids in the same school, but mine are 8 years apart, so this is a real treat. Laze-E's band director is also MiniMe's music teacher.

And, when your last name is Rockin'Bauer, people can kinda, sorta guess that you might be a redneck related. Poor Laze-E.

Or, is it poor MiniMe? Personally, I haven't decided. You've seen the room pictures - it's a close call, huh?

Anyway, I wanted MiniMe to get on the short bus van bus this morning & catch ride to school. I was going to meet her there with her school supplies & do the whole first day of kindy thing.

But, MiniMe decided that she wanted me to drive her. No problem. She's my baby & I was headed that way anyway.

Except, there was a problem. My car - the one I haven't driven since dropping Man off at the airport over 3 weeks ago - wouldn't start. So instead of heading off to school stress free this morning, I had to make an SOS call to Man & have him come resuce us.

Unlike Laze-E, MiniMe stressed about being late & here's a picture of her waiting for Daddy to show up with the jumper cables and a fully operating battery. She's obviously worried about missing her first day.

Or being even a little late. She wouldn't even look at the camera.

She's still very worried as we charge up the Accord's battery. But did manage to look at the camera for one pitifully sad pose.

But we did make it to school right as the tardy bell was ringing. I got her settled & managed to convince her teacher to pose for a picture with her. You know, so when I bad mouth her in the future, you'll know who I'm talking about. Notice, MiniMe perked up once we managed to get to school mostly on time.

Side note: I've added up the actual time that MiniMe has to spend in the classroom with her core teacher and it's a whopping 3 hours and 50 minutes. The other minutes are consumed with elective classes, recess & lunch. Surely, we can survive less than 4 hours a day?

I'lll keep you posted. You know I will.

And, here's MiniMe getting off the van bus this afternoon.

She looks like she had a great time, huh?

Me too! You know what's the best part about having both kids in school full time? I can take a mid morning nap go volunteer at the Thrift Shop. Of course, it's going to cost me money because I practically get first dibs on all the great stuff that gets consigned.

And, I can shop while I work.

How cool is that?

But it practically necessitates my other daytime activity.

Substitute teaching.

The pay from that will support my second hand purchasing activities & pay for a once a week Haus keeper.

Seriously, I get to bargain shop & my Haus gets cleaned. That's practially better than my previous life of bon-bons & Oprah.

Practically.