Legend of BB Lady

You know, just know, there's going to be a great story coming when this appears in your inbox:

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Subject: Skunk
Date: 9/3/2008 4:40:36 PM W. European Standard Time
From: coral_anne_with_an_E@yahoo.com
To: savvyhausfrau@aol.com

I will call you on this one:) LMAO
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Seriously, I could hardly wait for this late breaking news out of North Central Texas. I made a quick tinkle trip to the loo & topped of my glass of Bordeaux-Cabernet sauvignon-Merlot (I swear that is what's on the label - a mixed red wine cocktail of sorts). Then sat back and awaited the trans-Atlantic call.

OMG! After hearing all about the skunk, I've decided it was more of a Bud Light story, not a red wine story Mr. Jeff Foxworthy & I need to have a little tête-à-tête because I have some new comedic material for his next coast-to-coast tour. It goes something like this:

IF . . .

you have ever stood outside at 11 PM in the pouring rain, dressed only in your Hotter-N-Hell Hundred t-shirt & VS cotton bikini panties, firing your son's Red Ryder BB gun in an attempt to shoot the balls off some skunk who happens to be trespassing in your yard . . .

You might be a RedNeck.

You think?!

OK, in BB's defense she didn't just grab the gun & run outside willy-nilly to shoot up the neighborhood without first being provoked. There was actually a method to her madness.

Sorta.

Kinda.

Not really. But it is quite entertaining.

So here's the story:

It was a dark and stormy night. Isn't it always? BB Lady was up alone late that night playing with her NeoPet (yeah, me too, I thought she would have been doing 80's karaoke, or reading my blog) when she heard her dog going absolutely berserk out in the backyard.

Never mind that she thought the dog was inside, she had to see what was up.

Apparently what was up was the biggest tail ever on a skunk that her dog had cornered by the house. She didn't immediately flip out over just this particular skunk, she flipped out over all collective skunks in her past. To include ones that were living under the house last year & the one, probably this one, who sprayed her dog a couple of weeks ago.

Her first mission was to get the dog away from the skunk - no easy task since fighting with the skunk was way more doggie fun than retreating to the safety of the living room. Besides, BB Dog had to stay and protect her scantily clad owner. You know, should the fashion police or Fab 5 show up.

Gosh, don't you know they would have their work cut out for them in Wichita Falls, Texas?!

Anyway, BB Lady managed to get BB Dog into the house. Mission was accomplished at this point. Should have been a done deal. But, instead of just shutting the door & calling it a night like a normal person would do, she decided that she was going to annihilate the punk skunk.

It was right then that some neurons misfired in that pretty little head of hers and craziness reigned supreme. She woke up her 9 year old, demanding help with his Red Ryder BB gun - which, incidentally, she had never used before. Ever.

BB Boy mumbled something, pointed to the Red Ryder BB gun, mumbled something else & headed back to bed. Apparently, BB Boy was not really awake. Either that or he didn't want to be scarred for life by witnessing his mother freakin' lose her mind. Dressed only in a t-shirt & panties.

Anyway, BB Lady now had a fully loaded Red Ryder BB gun & headed back outside ready to kick some punk skunk ass.

At this point, the story being told to me by BB Lady herself, became a jumble of shots being fired & skunk expertly dodging the BB pellets.

Something about Be still you little vermin! I'm going to shoot your eye out!

Something about a Mother-effin' weasel!

And, lots of other words that I can repeat on this PG-13 gig I have going on here.

BB Lady, on her maiden BB shooting voyage, was having some difficulties actually hitting the target. Or getting even close. She took a quick intermission, ran back into the house & woke up BB Man. Who, by the way, was quite pleased to be included in this comedy drama. He grumped around, like Men do when their Fraus wake them up and drag them outside in the rain to shoot the balls off a skunk.

Once BB Man determined that the dog was inside & the skunk outside. He mumbled a few cable TV curse words & padded back to bed. Leaving BB Lady alone to finish what she started - a spur-of-the-moment offensive war on SuperSkunk.

In the midst of dodging Red Ryder pellet spray, SuperSkunk did have the balls (1, 2, yep, still intact) to actually stand up to BB Lady and charge at her a few times. Again, I a normal person would have skedaddled back into the house and locked the door. But not BB Lady, she was on an all out mission to give me something to blog about today. And, I love her for it. Risking her reputation & an embarrassing clip on YouTube all in the name of HausFrau.

I know that you are going find this incredibly difficult to believe, SuperSkunk even sprayed at one point. Which led BB Lady to think that she actually may have hit him. At least once.

BB Lady decided that she had won the battle and bee-bopped back into the house, plotting and planning how and when to win the war. Note: war planning does involve a trip to Walmart for a skunk trap. I would try to talk her out of it, but we are so far down this road already, why not finish the journey?

Besides, aren't we all just a bit anxious to read all about BB Lady vs. SuperSkunk - The Final Smackdown?

So, BB Lady, make sure you purchase some bait for that trap. I hear skunks like to eat frogs, snakes & lizards. Wikipedia also warns that skunks have some awesome anal muscles and can accurately spray a target up to 15 feet away. But there's good news. It's going to take SuperSkunk up to 10 days to replenish his load. As of publication time of this blog, you are sitting at T-minus 9 days, and counting. Strike while the iron is hot and the anal glands empty. Regardless, be careful & keep moving.

Meanwhile, after a night of bullet dodging, defeated & deflated, SuperSkunk slunk off to his skunk hole. Where the following conversation occurred:

Edna: Cletus! You are late for supper - again. Just where have you been, mister? Answer me, where have you been? Did you remember to bring home that deodorant I needed from Walmart. Probably not . . . Hey, what's that smell? Did you (gasp) spray?

Cletus: It's true, Edna. It's true. She does exist. I saw her with my own two eyes.

Edna: Who? Cletus, you are talkin' nonsense. You've been drinking again? You look about drunk as a skunk.

Cletus: No, no. Really. I've been laying off the mojitos. And, the Bud Light. I've been on the wagon for darn near a week.

Edna: Then, what are you talkin' about? Who did you see?

Cletus: I saw her. BB Lady.

Edna: Oh, come on, now. You're just talkin' craziness. BB Lady don't exist. She's just some Urban Legend, Tall Tale. You been hangin' around Bubba again? You know Bubba ain't nothin' but trouble. Makin' up all that crap about gettin' shot by a BB. Ask me, I think, BobbiJo put a whoopin' on him for sprayin' her at the drive-in movie.

Cletus: She's real. I saw her standin' there in the porch light, wild Charlie Manson eyes, wet hair clinging in clumps to her head. Something about "Hell" on her t-shirt. I swear she's the Devil's Spawn. Standin' there, jumpin' up and down. Cockin' that Red Ryder BB gun vowin' to shoot my mother-effin' eye out. I tell ya, she can't aim worth a shit or my ass wouldn't be here right now.

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• Subject: OOPS!
• Date: 9/4/2008 2:30:59 AM W. European Standard Time
• From: coral_anne_with_an_E@yahoo.com
• To: savvyhausfrau@aol.com

OMG, you should see the $21,000 brand-new siding on the back of my house!!

I will take pictures tomorrow after I run to Walmart. In the mean time, imagine four holes on the corner piece with insulation hanging out!

I was going to keep it a secret & eventually blame it on some BB gun carrying gangstas, but BB Man has already seen the damage.

I had no choice but to fess up.

BB Man's sole response was "Oh. My. God."

Oops.

OK, no time to cry over pock marked siding spilled milk. I have a skunk attack to plan.

Walmart List:

• skunk trap
• skunk bait
• Bud Light (for BB Man)
• box of BB's
• bottle of Bordeaux-Cabernet sauvignon-Merlot (for me)

I'll keep you posted. ~BB Lady

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HausFrau Observation: The only conceivable way this story could have been funnier - BB Lady standing on a case of Bud Light, shootin' up the metal siding on her 1973 trailer house. Located in a trailer park. Enter the local PD with Cops cameraman in tow.