Auction Amusement

I've had absolutely the best time ever this morning browsing on eBay. I have been on an all out mission to purchase some nice, full-bum coverage knickers for Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie. Preferably ones that won't fall off her 13" waist.

Sadly, there are no Barbie panties listed. I'm not even sure any have ever been manufactured. But, instead of grumping around because I can't find what I'm looking for, I decided to be amused by the most mundane eBay listings.

A simple search for "My Size Barbie" & a glass of iced tea can be quite the entertaining combo on a Monday morning.

During my search, I found this doll - I'll call her PlayBoy Bunny Barbie - listed for auction. Apparently, Mattel's answer to the Commando Barbie issue is to paint on PeptoBismol pink Spanx.

According to the seller's description: She has a bright pink torso. Face is very pretty with sparkle eyeshadow, blue eyes and bright pink lips. Hair is rooted.

Let me guess. The eyeshadow is blue? And, you can see that the hair is "rooted" because it sticks out in clumps?

This Barbie - Miss America - is also listed. The seller felt the need to write: She has long blond hair.

Seriously? A Barbie with long blond hair? Thankfully, that was pointed out or I would have made the wrong assumption.

I also checked out this doll - Alabama Homecoming Queen. Yes, she is pretty in a way that Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie could never be, because she's a real Barbie & not some cheap generic knock-off. But, what I found most amusing was the seller's description:

I also had washed, brushed, and styled her hair. Unfortunately, when I was brushing her hair, it was very knotty, and I accidentally pulled some of her hair out from the top of her scalp. As you can see from the pictures though, it is not noticeable at all....Depending on how you style her hair. If you leave it down, but brush the front of her hair back, you won't notice...And if you brush it back and pull it up in a ponytail, you also won't notice. There are tiny little holes that hold a certain amount of her hair on the scalp of this doll, and there are probably 7-8 of these holes on the top of her scalp that are missing hair because of how hard I brushed her hair.

She goes on to mention that this Barbie was her niece's & that she has 2 sons. I guessed as much.

Moms of girls are very familiar with knotted up plastique hair & we know all about aggressively brushing to remove the knots & tangles on everything from Bratz to Barbies to Little Ponies. We also know about ripping the hair plugs out. And, strategically placing hair doo-dads to hide the damage. And, because this is universal knowledge, we wouldn't have bothered to mention it. Much less write a dissertation.

One of my favorites is Redneck Barbie.

The seller's brief description included: 3 foot tall Barbie doll with clothes she is wearing very nice.

First of all the term clothes is used very loosely. What is she wearing anyway, a wife beater? And, that very nice part is relative, don't you think? I'm assuming this picture was taken from the front deck of a 1973 trailer house. The seller probably has a Red Ryder BB gun listed, too.

Next up is Scantily Clad Barbie. No, the doll is not actually for sale. Just the dress. For $21.99, plus $6.00 shipping.

That's $27.99 for 12" of fabric. You think it's real gold?

Just for the record, not all Barbies are dressed slutty fashionably. I discovered Little House on the Prairie Barbie. She's also wearing a purity ring; it's just difficult to see in this picture.

The seller does note: Her hair needs a good combing.

My guess is that this is her daughter's Barbie & she's tired of brushing the hair, and as a result, is selling "as is".

Another notable auction is for Lady Godiva Barbie:

This seller mentions: She has been played with and has normal small scuffs, her hair does need a good brushing. There are no clothes that came with this doll.

Oh, there are no clothes & that's why she's naked?! Who would have thunk it? Is it just me or does the flesh colored Spanx just look like a bad tan line? I think I prefer the Pepto Pink. Or panties.

And, finally, my all time favorite Sitting Pretty Barbie.

This seller totally missed the best attribute of this plastic chick: in the sitting position her feet are pointed forward! No spread-eagle porno poses await the unsuspecting buyer. That fact alone, properly pointed out to potential purchasers, could have upped the sale price by a good $10. Maybe even $20 if potential buyer had any experience with surprise spread-eagle poses last Friday night in her past.

The seller failed to mention that this Barbie comes with no clothes. I guess she assumed we understood that being that she's pictured naked.

Do you think sellers ever stop to really read what they are writing? This one notes: My Size Barbie is in good used condition for being 32 yrs. old. She is 37" tall with some finger nail polish still on her fingers and the rest of her makeup still on she is still a really pretty doll. She is definitely having a bad hair day. She has all of her fingers and toes and she is still in a good but used/played with condition.

I guess it's just a good thing these eBay sellers are marketing plastic dolls & not HausFraus. Hey, not bad for 32. Some of her nail polish still remains, and most of her make-up (especially the blue eyeshadow) is still on. And, she has all her fingers & toes! An occasional bad hair day, but nothing that a good brushing wouldn't fix. Good but used/played-with condition. Clothes not included.

Opening Bid $0.00. No reserve.