My Artistic Math Genius Girls

Of course, they can't help but to come by it maternally naturally. In case you couldn't extrapolate from the post title, I'll go ahead and spill the beans: this is a straight-up shameless mommy brag. If you aren't into that kind of thing, might I recommend Woman Who Mistakes Skunk For Cat? Heck, I suggest reading that story anyway. BB Lady could definitely teach her a thing or two.

If you are still with me, I'll assume you are dying to hear more about my children, so here goes. The Kindergarten Class read Lollipop Dragon last week and were asked by Miss D to illustrate the story.

I must point out (for the sake of keeping it real) that MiniMe didn't exactly spell her name correctly. I'm sure she just forgot her "t" & it doesn't matter. Remember, I'm bragging about her amazing freehand drawing ability & incredible use of color. Not her spelling or SAT verbal ability.

Of course, she traced the dot-letters to spell out "Lollipop Dragon". Hopefully, she made all those letters correctly with perfect directionality. Not that I can tell that after the fact, and you can't either & neither can her teacher, just for the record. I did happen to notice the obvious lack of big A's. I guess the 5 year olds mastered that learning objective & have moved on.

Next up in the spotlight is none other than Laze-E herself. She had science homework last week to create a circle graph/pie chart on the computer from given data. Instead of coming straight to me for a little professional advice, she asked Man how to make the graph in Excel. She asked Man and not me? Obviously, I'm not bragging about her decision making skill set.

Anyway, Man defensively immediately declared that it was not possible & that she needed to quit being Laze-E lazy & just trace the Miracle Whip lid on a piece of graph paper & use the straight edge of a PopTart box to divide the circle. And, hurry up, get your homework done, take your plate to the kitchen, pick up your popsicle wrapper, put your shoes on the shelf, did you do your chores, shouldn't you be in bed already?

Did you happen to notice the Y-chromosome Trademark of changing the subject to dodge any declarations of ignorance? Because I sure did.

And, for those of you not well versed in ManSpeak, I'll translate for you. All that garbledy-gook about Miracle Whip and PopTarts meant that he had no clue at all how to make a graph in Excel & that he didn't want to figure it out during NCIS any time soon. And certainly not tonight while there were plates to be picked up, popsicle wrappers to be disposed of, shoes to be put away & chores to do done.

While all the above was transpiring in the living room, I quietly pulled up Excel on my computer & a step-by-step web page on how to make a circle graph. I rescued Laze-E from Man & sat her down at my desk.

She quickly figured out how to make the graph & was parading it in front of Man within 15 minutes. He said good job, E! That's really impressive. Now, are your chores done? Shouldn't you be in bed?

Man & I tag team as much as possible with the good cop/bad cop routine. And, with dropping the ball. And, striking out. So the next night, I took one for the team & fumbled miserably. I was in the middle of my evening momologue: pick your shoes up, did you do your chores, get the popcicle wrappers off my desk, don't you need to be getting in the shower, do you have your homework done, put your plate in the dishwasher when Laze-E asked for a bit of computer time to figure out the combination to a locked lock. After all, it only took 2 seconds to throw away the popcicle stick, put a plate in the dishwasher & pick up shoes, so she was good to go. Homework and chores were done. Or so she said.

I agreed to 15 minutes of computer time but gave her a finger-wagging lecture on how it wouldn't (couldn't? shouldn't?) be possible to crack the code. Besides, if you could just look up the serial number & have the Internet pop up the correct combination, then what's the point of having a lock? And, no MySpace, missy. Or Webkinz. Got it? And, don't spend too long trying to open that dumb lock because you have school tomorrow & need to hit the hay.

So much for supportive parenting & encouraging your kids to reach for the stars.

Turns out, finding the right combination is only a little more complicated than just entering a serial number, but not much. The computer will narrow down possible combinations from 10's of thousands to only 64. After that, it's a matter of holding the lock a certain way to feel the inner movements of the pins & a little patience in the trial & error department.

She did it. Laze-E cracked the combination! Not only am I beaming proud of her critical thinking & determination, I'm doing a happy frugal dance.

She just saved me $5 for a new lock. And, a shopping trip to find one.

Go, Laze-E!

Seriously, had it not been my turn to play bad parent, I would have been a little more forthcoming with encouragement.

Now, I just need to make sure my kids are using their talents for the greater good of mankind & not for nefarious deeds. Hopefully, this story will never make it to print:

Rockin'Bauer Sisters Rob Bank

In a well planned and executed stick-up, sisters make off with $10M. The youngest of the two, MiniMe distracts security guard by agreeing to autograph her latest NY Times bestselling children's book series for his daughter while Laze-E expertly cracks the code to the bank's vault. Computer forensic experts determine the two extensively utilized Excel pie charts to plan felony. Popsicle wrappers found at the scene are being analyzed for fingerprints & DNA. Click here for full story.

Oh, is nefarious an SAT word?! Did I finally manage use one of them suckers?!