Organized Crime

Just before 8 AM this morning, the Packer Dudes were obnoxiously ringing our doorbell. Yeah, I know they said they drop by any time between 8 and 5 to pick up our first shipment, but did I really think they'd be at my door at the buttcrack of dawn?

No, I did not.

As evident by the fact that I was still in bed perfectly happy to stay that way until the sun actually made an appearance. Which it does not until way after 8 in Belgium when the date is close to the Winter Solstice.

But, the Packer Dudes were all up and at 'em at dark-thirty, demanding that I at least be out of bed & scrambling to find towels at the last minute. OK, so I forgot to prior plan a 12-hour laundry routine & only had a load ready to go into the dryer. Which would have worked out perfectly if they had not showed up at 8. By 10, I would have been a little more chipper & the towels would have been dry.

No problem, I was just a little rushed & slightly unprepared this morning.

That would be just like any other morning.

What was unpleasant for me, was worse for the girls. The teens (Laze-E & Miss Wyoming) were only 4 hours into their "night" of sleep & I had the pleasure of waking them up as I barked orders for them to throw the comforter up over their heads so the Chief Packer Dude could survey the room for the big moving day next week.

They were beyond thrilled.

As expressed by their verbal pleasantries.

Just another day in PCS Hell.

But, do you want to know what was the icing on the proverbial cake? Let me tell you. I was down in the basement with Man while the Chief Packer Dude looked around at what needed to be crated next week. He did his official survey, then wildly waved his arm, his whole arm, and asked if we could organize all this before they returned on Tuesday.

Man quickly replied that it wasn't going to happen today.

I kept my mouth shut.

What I wanted to do was lash out & let bitch reign supreme.

Instead, I took the high road & only managed a pleasant HausFrau smile.

Complete with eyelash flutters.

In an all out effort to be totally passive aggressive, I'm not doing anything to organize anything unless it specifically benefits me. I've already cleared out a lot of plain old trash & I've got boxes ready for the Consignment Shop for when Subourbon HausFrau reopens the Shop next Tuesday.

Beyond that . . . if I say they can kiss my ass, you'll understand, won't you?

Hello?! It's the packers' jobs to organize for me. They start packing my crap into boxes and Wah-La! it's all neatly organized into nice, tight cardboard boxes, completely labeled and inventoried. Then they put it on a crate & I don't have to deal with it until sometime in February.

That's how God & the Army intended. And, that's how it's going to be.

Thankfully, Cheif Packer Dude had the decency not to mention how I needed to dust or vacuum before next week. Had he made that mistake, I fear where my vacuum cleaner and Pledge may have ended up.

On a lighter note, Miss Wyoming's Mom was more than happy to tell me where to find a nice, fat Rx of Chill Pills tomorrow . . . and, Man said he'd be more than happy to drive me to the clinic.

Thanks, Babe. I'd do the same for you.

Wait a minute.

You think they would give us His & Hers monogramed bottles?

Now, that's the way to PCS.

PCSleepOver

Hey, just because we are smack-dab in the middle of PCS Hell doesn't mean that we can't have a little fun. For instance, I just kicked back a can of Strong Bow Cider (Note to Self: Stop by the British Store ASAP, stock up & hide the goods somewhere amongst the extra towels & toilet paper. Wait. We are out of toilet paper. 2nd Note to Self: Have Man buy TP tomorrow since he's the one with transportation. And, milk - we are out of milk too. And, hamburger buns since I have about 6lbs of meat that needs to be eat by, oh, tomorrow!).

We invited a friend for a sleepover & apparently her Haus is so boring that our Haus seemed like a swell idea. In the picture above is Laze-E, Miss Wyoming & MiniMe. They are eating popcorn & the rest of the Halloween candy and watching Mama Mia. They are leaning up against my very cool, second hand trunk & lounging on the mattress that is supposed to be on the fold-out couch but isn't because it needs to be shipped tomorrow. I hope no one rolls over too quick & has the extra cutting board and Tupperware fall from its current location.

Just think, the look of this slumber party is the same decorating style of the new Haus for the month of February. Gosh, I can wait to show you pictures.

And, call Better Homes & Gardens. I'm sure they don't want to miss out.

PCStressing

Oh, Goody Goody Gumdrops! Really? We have Orders? Moving again, so soon? I can hardly wait!

OK, fine. That's what I was thinking (with a heavy shot of sarcasm) on 23 December when that little piece of paperwork was emailed to Man. Only a mere 11 days after that little surprise email offering a really cool job in DC. We all know I am a huge fan of modern technology, but quite frankly, I've had enough of this official business stuff to last me a while. I just want to get back to what's really important, like Facebooking & Blogging. And, the time to enthusiastically do a bang-up job on both.

So, here I am on Blogger making an extreme effort to put together a few coherent thoughts. It's not easy this week. Hot on the heels of the Orders, was a nasty cold virus (for me & the Man-Flu for Man), Christmas, our anniversary & shipping my car. Not to mention a few emergency trips on the Troc Circuit attempting to purchase every last piece of Belgian resale goodness that our Household Goods maximum will allow.

My brain is a total mush that can not be totally blamed on the vino or the NyQuil. WonderWoman called me the other day & it's was difficult to put together my thoughts without the background PCS-distraction rearing its ugly head. I'm sure that was an extremely fun converstaion for her suffer through. Sorry, WW, I promise to do better next time!

While the verbal part of my brain is attempting a conversation, the visual part of my brain is flipping through pictures as fast as their little synapses can carry them. I flash from the current state of disarray of my Haus to putting away Christmas decorations to cooking & emptying out the freezer to cardboard boxes to boxes of Thrift Shop donations to living in a hotel for a month to sitting next to MiniMe for a TransAtlantic flight to sleeping on the floor in our new Haus to DC traffic to maybe applying for a (real) job. That plus more keeps flipping through my mind's eye quicker than a Vegas dealer could ever imagine. Seriously, this is not a PCS for me, it's a PCStress.

Here's the current mess in my kitchen. Dishwasher is full of clean dishes, sink full of dirty. Oh, and yes, MiniMe did dress herself today. Laze-E, too.

My Desk. And this is after a 30 minute job to dejunk.

Most of what's out needs to be organized & probably hand-carried on our journey. Now that I look more closely, I need to deal with that stack of Kindergarten papers. Sigh. And, yes, that is a large black hole where the printer is supposed to be. I think it's downstairs, maybe it has something to do with faxing the lease for the new Haus?

This is the other half of my office. It's not the cute little picture I posted on Facebook a few days ago when I was bragging about my Troc purchases. This would be how it looks after I pile up unaccompanied baggage that will be picked up tomorrow. What you can't see in the picture is the mattress off the couch. I'm really hoping they will pack it since I consider it a brilliant solution to living in a rental Haus without our stuff for a month.

So, how am I holding up? Uh, not so well this time. I think I've just done this so much in the last 4 years that I am PCS-depleted. Used up.

The good news? Once we get orders I refuse to dust or mop. That will save me precious time that can be better spent popping a cork.

So, where's the humor in all this? Flashback to October:

Man: Hey, Frau. We don't want to move to DC, do we? I applied for a job but there's no way they'll pick me.

DC or Bust

This is how it works around my house. We'll be rockin' along all fine & dandy and Bam! out of the blue Man will pop up with a surprise job offer that is too good to pass up.

So he will nonchalantly accept the job & I will panic thinking about 12+ crates of boxes that must me dealt with by me.

If this job offer comes up around the Holidays (& they always do) there's the added stress of pulling off Christmas Magic while working around movers & packers and clearing quarters. I might quickly flip-out absorbing a month's worth of stress in a few moments, but I'll just as quickly make lemonade and get the moving mojo going.

You guessed it. We are moving again - this time headed to DC.

Since I work quickly (because who has time to dilly-dally around in situations such as these?), I've already found a new location for Schloss Rockin'Bauer.

And, it's in a town called Springfield.

How quaint. How Americana.

Of coure, MiniMe got all excited because Ooooohhhhh! Did you say Springfield?! That's where the Simpsons live!

Yep. We Rockin'Bauers know how to find the lowest common denominator. Which got me to thinking about how our move to the DC area during the month of January 2009 will be different from the Obamas' move.

But only slightly.

The Obama vs. Rockin'Bauer PCS to DC SmackDown

Broccoli Commander In Chief vs. Man

Michelle First Lady vs. Michelle HausFrau

Malia & Sasha vs. Laze-E & MiniMe

Secret Service vs. Attack Kitty

Democratic Election vs. PCS Orders

White House ready by 15 January vs. Rental Haus ready by 15 January

Report Not Later Than 20 January 2009 vs. RNLT 1 February 2009

First Class 5-Star accommodations while in transit vs. Army Lodging

First Class 5-Star dining options while in transit vs. Cup of Noodles

Air Force One vs. United Airlines

Limo vs. Pilot

Upscale Private School vs. Fairfax County Public Schools

Private Chauffeur vs. DC Metro

Pennsylvania Ave vs. Middle Class Cul-de-Sac

Diplomatic Dinner Parties vs. Neighborhood Bunco

Paparazzi vs. HausFrau's camera

Washington Post vs. Savvy HausFrau's Blog

Not to mention that we will have an 8-person jacuzzi on the back patio just waiting for us. And, I can drop into a Target at any given time & shop until my heart's content.

Anyone in the Obama Camp willing to respond to that? Anyone?

No?

Hot Tubs, Blogs & Bunco.

Broccoli & the First Frau just can't compete with that.

Just for the record, neither can Homer & Marge.

Flashback to 2001 & 2003

These are my absolute favorite Christmas pictures of my kids.

This one is of Little Laze-E in 2001, age 6.

We were living in Würzburg, Germany.

And, this one is of a 9 month old MiniMe on her first Christmas 2003.
We were in the middle of a PCS from Würzburg to San Antonio & making a pit stop at Nana's Haus in Wichita Falls.

Santa manages to always find us, no matter where in the world we are.

Dear Santa

Fum MiniMe
Two Santa

1 cat wabkinz
little pats
babe dl
scoter
doggie wabkinz
mak up set
princess outfit
teta
"High School Musical Barbies"







*************************************************
Dear Santa:

I've been mostly good this year.
For Christmas, will you please consider bringing the following:

Clothes, Jewelry, Anything Cheap
Friendship necklace
Bras, Starbucks
Something Crazy/Loud
Water Balloons
iTunes gift card
Swap Flowers
Twilight Stuff
Sugar Cookies :O)
Hooker heels - 6
Slutty Girls, Dr. Pepper
2 X thongs, Candy Phone
Paper Money, Socks & Ding Dongs

And, a sleepover with TGirl this weekend.

Tell the Reindeer that I said "Hi". Love, Laze-E
**********************************************************
Dear Santa:

Hey, I know that we are both super busy. I'm a HausFrau, you are Santa. Need I say more? I'll make this easy on both of us. How about two pink EPT lines for Christmas? And, I'll see if Man can cover you on that iTouch.

Gotta Run, ~Savvy
**********************************************************
Dear St. Nick:

Hey, Big Guy. I know that you are almost as busy as my Frau, so I'll make this simple. One pink line is just fine & dandy with me. And, I'll buy her that stupid iTouch for her birthday. If nothing else, just so I quit hearing about it.

Really, just one, OK? ~Man
**********************************************************
Dear Santa:

For Christmas I would really like for you to bring me my wife (CoopaChick) three brand new boob-tops. Not that I necessarily want her driving around topless in the Coopa flashing her über-boobs to Herman The German, but, Dude, you are a guy (you are, aren't you?) & you understand my need to see a little action.

Even if it's just on a few blurry pixels on my Facebook occasionally.

I'll leave the size issue up to you since you, especially since I screwed up that donkey hair sweater from Bosnia that one time.

I promise to be a good boy this next year too while in Iraq.

Just 3 boob-tops that's all I asking.

Okay, maybe 4 or 5 if you think I've been that good. I mean, it's not like I'm asking for a pony or anything. And, you know, boob-tops with those plunging necklines take up way less room on the sleigh than a pony, a regular shirt or even a turtleneck.

Have you seen how much fabric are in one of those bad boys?

It's almost as much as the donkey sweater.

I don't mean to beg, but I'm feeling a little desperate here. If you can't figure out this boob-top thing, I'm not sure how I'll make it through the rest of my training & the deployment.

OK, Santa, I know you are busy, but if you could just help a guy out here, I'd be mucho grateful. I even promise not to fight you for the milk & cookies on the 24th.

Merry Christmas to you! (& hopefully a Ho-Ho-Ho to me!)

Dan the CoopaMan
*************************************************************
Dear Santa:

I'd like to amend my wish-list. Still one pink line & 3 more new boob-tops for me the Frau. Ho, Ho, Ho Boy!

~Man
*************************************************************
Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is World Peace.

However, on the boob-tops, I look really good in blues & greens. Maybe a little red & black to keep it interesting because that would look so awesome with my gray Coopa!

Mwah! ~CoopaChick
*******************************************************************

***********************************************************
Dear Santa:

3 new boob-tops would work for me. Remember, two pink lines will help me fill them out quite nicely.

Oh yeah, and World Peace. Don't want to sound selfish or anything.

~Savvy
************************************************************
Dear Santa:

Did someone mention boob-tops?! I completely forgot to add those to my list! They will look lovely with the new hooker heels, bras & thongs. Don't forget the Dr. Pepper.

Love, ~Laze-E XXOOX
************************************************************
Dear Santa:

Clothes, jewelry & anything cheap. Those were the Top 3 on Laze-E's wish list. Cheap as in Consignment Shop, not as in Debbie Does Dallas, OK?

Thanks, Santa, you are the best! ~Savvy
*************************************************************
Dear Santa:

Did I hear someone mention a PONY?! Please, please, please!

I'll be good forever! ~MiniMe

Guess Who

Who is this famous Snowman?

A) Fluffy FrostyBuns
B) SnowFlaky
C) DizzyLizzy CarrotNose
D) BlingBling Shiny-Buttons
E) Sparkle NippyToes

Which reindeer does MiniMe want to be?

A) Comet - because he farts a lot on the Santa Clause
B) Rudolph - the most famous of them all
C) Cathy - the chatty one, you remember her, don't you?
D) Cupid - because it is all about the big, fat, squishy hearts
E) Clarice - if you can't be the most famous, marry the one who is (right, Honey?)

Who is this awesome Trio?

A) Ho, Ho & Ho
B) Doc, Grumpy & Happy
C) Jolly Bing-a-Ling, Snappy TwinkleToes & Zippy Mistletoe
D) SubourbonHausFrau, Mack'sHausFrau & SavvyHausFrau
E) Miss October, Miss November & Miss December Centerfolds of 2008

Flashback to 1975

I'm calling this new venture of mine Friday Flashback. My goal is to give you snippets of my past every Friday. Of course, I will totally edit & embellish every memory to serve my own selfish purposes. Don't we all?

For my first Flashback, I am sharing with you some Christmas Eve pictures from 1975. I had just turned 4 years old a few days before. Because my parents were divorced, I always spent Christmas Eve "with my Dad" at my Nanny's house. These pictures were taken in her den, a converted 2-car garage. Notice new the gold-orange-brown mingled shag carpet.

I realize the pictures are totally retro & a bit blurry, but yes, those are panties & a doll. Little did I know at the time that, 30 years & two kids later, I would be blogging about thong underwear & Rosie the Barbie.

It's either called foreshadowing or self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just haven't quite decided which.

Caught Red Handed

They told me several times that it was just an accident.
I believe them. Don't you?

Snowballs

You know that Kindergarten formal education is paying off when your child makes mathematical connections outside the classroom. As in applying concepts learned in the classroom to real world situations. It might even make your heart swell with pride to witness your offspring do this, espeically if you are a math geek.

Not that I am.

OK, fine. I am.

But, Man is not.

Not that he's dumb by any stretch of the imagination he just learned math in Wisconsin, it's just that he doesn't have ribbons and medals from placing in Jr. High Math Team Competitions.

Not that I do either.

OK, fine. I do.

Several.

And, I was in band.

Which just proves that even geek girls can eventually grow up and have all this.

And a blog, too.

But, this is not about me, it's about MiniMe.

And, her keen mathematical skills.

So, where was I? Yes, bragging about my child. While the Kindy math worksheets require that she practice writing her numbers and circling the set with more, MiniMe is ready to tackle more exicitng real world scenarios.

Can she actually add and subtract? Not if you put it on paper, but she can work simple story problems in her head. OK, Cupcake, If Daddy buys 5 Bratwurst & we all eat one, how many are leftover?

One. And, can I have it?

Right! And, no, you can't have two Bratwurst at one sitting. How about this one? If Daddy buys 6 Kartoffelpuffers, how many can we each have?

One. And, we can split the other two.

Good job!

She's also fairly skilled at comparing objects and drawing conclusions based on their size. As demonstrated this past weekend at a Christmas Market here:

Cochem, Germany

While we were hanging out in the Beer Tent (yes, at a Christmas Market -- first one we've seen) having dinner & warming up, MiniMe makes the following observation.

MiniMe: Hey, Mommy! This snowman has bigger balls than the other one!

Me: (choking on Diet Coke & Rindswurst, laughing obnoxiously)

Me Thinking: So, that's why we don't call them SnowFrauen!

Man: Yeah, Sweetie. That's his buttons.

Me: Buttons?! (still laughing, almost hysterically now)

MiniMe: Dad! They're not buttons. They're balls!

Me: (on the floor at this point)

Man: I don't see what's so funny. What balls? Those are buttons.

MiniMe & Snowman with the small balls

MiniMe & Snowman with the big balls

I composed myself long enough to offer a proper explanation to Man on the finer details on snowman balls, what they were & why I thought the whole conversations was so darn funny. Then proceeded to laugh some more. It was very much the sophomoric behavior you would expect from a 13 year old band & math geek me.

HausFrau Wisdom: When comparing SnowMen, it's not the size of the balls that matter, it's how they are stacked.

Grapes of Wrath

For those of you who are still skeptical, please know that I do not wander aimlessly around the Haus staging and/or creating drama just so I have something to blog about. Usually, my family is coming at me so rapid-fire fast that I have to call a time-out long enough to grab my camera and photograph the evidence because no one would believe me otherwise & I'd be accused of making stuff up photodocument our mundane family events.

But, lately Man & the Girls have been behaving appropriately flying under my radar. The embarrassing truth is that I only managed 5 publications during the whole month of November.

Because they were shamefully failing in their duties as co-stars on this blog, I had to do something. So, to teach them a lesson, I drug them on a 4-day, 770 mile Rockin'Bauer RoadTrip into Germany.

My little shake-up plan worked splendidly and now I can share with you:

Man's Guide to Fine Wine

by HausFrau

First and foremost, don't protest too much should your Frau drag you out of the way to a picturesque village (Cochem) located on the Mosel River. The Mosel valley produces some of the best wine in the world & you might be in dire need of a bottle or two after ferrying the wife and kids around for 3 days straight. So, take the damn detour & be happy about it.

When you come across a wine tasting cellar, get out of Frau's way least she run you over making a beeline for the wine glass insist that your Frau join you for a taste or two. It just might be considered a romantic gesture that might benefit you at a later date and time like cycle days 10, 12 & 14 after a round of Clomid.

Don't Buy everything that your Frau fancies because she fancies all things bottled & you'd go broke and she'd never hear the end of it approximately seven bottles of wine and take special care not to complain because you now have to haul the heavy bag of wine back to the Pilot.

Never complain about wine unless in the context of a nasty hangover.

Instead, be thankful that you get to meander through a beautiful little village as you take the long way scenic route through the Christmas Market on the way back to your vehicle toting some great deals on some great wine.

After yet another hour of driving in the dark, celebrate arriving at the destination with the Kinder intact the brand-spanking-new 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment for $52/night by cracking open a bottle of red wine. Nevermind that you are watching a re-run of Medium and not dining by candlelight. Share a bottle of the smoothest, sweetest bottle of Dornfelder ever with your wife true heart's desire.

Even if aforementioned rockin' accomodations do not have a damn corkscrew anywhere in the freaking kitchen and you this know because you looked in every drawer & cabinet have a well-stocked kitchen when it comes to enjoying fine wine. Don't let that stop the impromptu WeinFest.

And, definitely don't let not having a corkscrew slow you down. As it turns out, a beater from an electric mixer works just fine. Beat the hell out of the beater with the palm of your hand until the cork begins to move.

Very Important: Remember to pause long enough for your Frau to find the camera and start snapping. Paybacks are hell & you might end up eating plain ol' sandwiches for dinner for a month of Sundays if you continue this type of mission without proper consideration for the camera.

Next, wiggle and twist the cook cork to loosen her it up. Protest that you see absolutely nothing blog-worthy about opening a bottle of wine.

Next, whack that beater with all your might, pushing the cork into the bottle of fine wine. Insist that you see absoutely nothing funny about the situation. Remind Frau that all you are doing is simply opening a bottle of wine. Nothing else. You might consider punctuating your position with a frowny face that smacks of pure ignorance confusion.

Pour yourself & your Frau a freakin' huge nice glass of wine. Even if you have to use the ice tea glasses in the cabinet that have Air Force Inn - Spangdahlem stamped across the front. Now is not the time to be all snobby about the Frau's crystal wine glasses to which you have become accustomed. This is better than the disposable plastic cups in the bathrooms.

Chug-a-lug the first glass & then quickly get a refill. Convince yourself that this is acceptable behavior because you can't recork the bottle. Offer your Frau another quick refill & look puzzled because she's barely drank anything in the 90 seconds since you filled her glass. Notice the look of astonishment on your Frau's face as you pour yourself another glass.

And then reply in all seriousness, What?! Was that too redneck for you?!

Ignore your Frau when she responds I don't even know where to begin.

Finally, apologize profusely when your Frau realizes that you drank 3/4 of the bottle before the first commercial break she could even top off her glass. Gently remind her that a marriage is about give & take and that rarely do couples find a perfect 50/50 balance.

Of course, this isn't going benefit you in the bedroom . . .

where you will be sleeping with one eye open.

For a month of Sundays.

Just Add Hamburger

Last week before I gallivanted off to a Drunko Bunco game, I needed to make dinner for my kids. Because I was intent on making a kid-friendly & super-quick meal, I really tried (but failed miserably) to sell them on the idea of Hamburger Helper.

Specifically Cheeseburger Macaroni.

They should have been joyfully jumping up and down! But I only received frowny faces that silently said Wha . . . huh?

MiniMe was very intrigued, but skeptical, by this whole Hamburger Helper concept and really want to know more.

What is it, Mommy?

Well, it's good. You would like it.

Uh, no thanks.

Did you just catch the full meaning of that quick conservation? Yes, my friends, 5 year old has no clue about Hamburger Helper. Laze-E on the other hand, is familiar with Hamburger Helper, but only as it applies to the individual packet Singles that can be cooked in the microwave for lunch. But, even the 13 year-old turned her nose up at the box and mimicked her sister's response:

Uh, no thanks, Mom.

But, it's Cheeseburger Macaroni! It's kid-friendly Food Porn in a box. I'm talking 1750 calories all neatly packaged by Betty Crocker. Hey, look. It's even got Shrek on the box.

Oh, wait a minute. That's Shrek . . . Number Two.

A Shrek 2 promo. Complete with trading cards (collect all 14!) on the back of the box. Seriously? OK, so just how long has this box been dodging the old HausFrau skillet? Well, let's see, the box itself says that it would be better if used by, uh . . . May 2005.

So, we are only 3 ½ years past the "better by" date. And, at least 4 ½ years past the purchase date. I honestly don't remember the last time I made any form of Hamburger Helper.

You know what that means, don't you? That I am a seriously savvy HausFrau who would never feed her family prepackaged junk. I need to call Guinness because I might literally be holding a World Record here. Think about it, how many boxes of Hamburger Helper have made 4 military PCS's in 4 years & called three different countries home?

This box had to have been purchased in San Antonio in the spring of 2004, then moved to Wiesbaden in the summer of 2005, then to Hohenfels (Ho'Town as CoopaChick likes to call it. Hi, Laura!) in the winter of 2007, and then on to its current location in Brussels in the winter of 2008.

It's so far past its due date that I can't in good conscience risk $3 worth of ground beef and 1750 calories to see if it's still OK. Especially that calorie part. I really need to chow down the rabbit food for the next few weeks so that I can maneuver BBLady's dessert porn over the Holidays without compromising the seams of my jeans.

Even if I purchased the Hamburger-Helper-Helped-Her-Hamburger-Help-Her-Make-a-Great-Meal on sale & with a coupon, it's a total wash & a big ol' frugal flop. I can't even salvage the 10-cent Box Top because that too expired over a year ago.

So, what do I do with my cheeseburger-in-a-box? Do I admit total defeat to Betty and toss the box in the trash-trash? Do I go-green & disassemble the parts for the recycling bins? Do I keep it forever & ever so I can always be known as CrazyHausFrau with that box of Cheeseburger Shrek?

Or better yet: Do I list it on eBay?

Don't laugh at that last suggestion. I just found this listing from Redneck Collectibles for a box of Three Cheese. It's only $4.00 with a mere $4.80 for shipping. There are 10 available, so it's not even a rare item.

Someone else has listed the complete set of Shrek 2 Hamburger Helper Trading Cards for $9.99, $5.00 shipping, BUT $12.00 shipping for international buyers.

Wow, shipping fees alone would allow me to recoup my investment & net a nice dividend. In today's market, that's something, huh?

Think anyone is missing just the two cards on the back of my box to complete their collection? Is it possible that Bubba has been searching high & low and stalking eBay since 2004 for my trading cards?

Redneck bidders, don't let this one get away! What a great stocking stuffer to accompany those lottery tickets & 6-pack of Bud Light.

Both Shrek & Puss are in new & excellent condition. International bidders willing to pay through the nose for shipping are welcome.

Me Too!

You know it's been a great party when the guests start eagerly swapping hangover remedies as they collect their potluck dishes, sling purses over their shoulders & head out the door.

Obviously, with potluck dishes in play, it wasn't a FratHaus kind of shindig. It was much, much worse better than that. I'm talking 17 HausFrauen, potluck food & two varieties of spiked slushes.

Yep, my friends, I scored an invite with the in crowd to sub at a Bunco game this past Friday night.

Let me tell you. It was the best entertainment that 5 Euros buy can anywhere.

Hands down.

And, it had nothing to do with the dice game.

It really didn't have anything to do with the alcohol either. Again, we aren't exactly the college aged crowd where it's all about the booze. Although, I do think a fellow HausFrau colleague of mine might have regretted slurping down three bourbon slushes.

Why three bourbon slushes, you might ask? Well, for starters, the vodka slushes were off limits because this particular HausFrau had a previous bad experience with vodka. So that left bourbon as the only viable option. Why three? Well, because she ended up hurling before she could make it to four they were so darn good.

Now, I have guilt.

Major guilt.

Not only because I brought the vodka slush, my HausFrau Red Rooster, which forced her to gravitate toward the bourbon. But mostly because at the time, I was unaware of this British Medical Journal study citing that bourbon is twice as likely to cause hangovers as vodka.

Being all science geeky with the degree to prove it, I should have known about this credible scientific fact but I tend to get hangovers from wine, mimosas & sangria & warned her ahead of time. Sorry WhiskeyChick NamelessHausFrauFriend, but next time, we'll both know better.

Thankfully now, all three of my readers know about vodka vs. bourbon - just in time for the upcoming holiday season. Stick with the Red Roosters & Screwdrivers. Another public service announcement brought to you by the SavvyHausFrau.

If not the booze, the food, excellent HausFrau camaraderie, or the dice, then just what was so fascinating about Bunco night?

Well, let me tell you. The HausFrauHostessWithTheMostest threatened to take away the bourbon slush if we didn't cooperate requested that we all write down something blackmail-worthy a little known & interesting fact about ourselves on a secret slip of paper. The group was then to guess who wrote down what.

How much fun would this be?!

Oh, let me count the ways!

Oh, the choices! Oh, the decision to be made! I've got over twenty twenty-five thirty-five & I won't admit to any more than that thirty years of intriguing life events from which to chose.

Of all the interesting & little know facts about HausFrau I decided to just unload one that is always good for a laugh or two & might possibly win me the "best secret" award. Not so sure it would ever get me invited back to a Bunco game, but for the sake of a laugh or two, I was willing to risk it.

What secret did I tell? Here's a hint: it has nothing to do with a tampon, been there, blogged that, not a secret anymore. Here's another hint: When I tell what happened, not one person has ever responded with a Me Too!

My friend WonderWoman (Hi, Heather!) told me about Me Too! friends. A Me Too! friend can appropriately hold up their end of this conservation:

Oh, I just love Desperate Housewives. Karen McCluskey is my hero.

Me Too!

You know, red wine is my favorite.

Me Too!

I just love German food.

Me Too!

German Christmas Markets are one of my favorite things ever.

Me Too!

I think Jack Bauer is so hot.

Me Too!

Uh, I accidentally visited a nudist colony one time.

Wha . . . huh?

See? No one ever says Me Too! to that one.

So, the Bunco group voted on the most scandalous best secret of the night & I definitely landed in the top two. The other top contender was a Bunco player who once upon a time modeled a WonderBra for a local department store. Ok, that sounded all juicy, but the rest of the story included clothes on top of said foundational garment. Even though her boobs appeared on the 6 o'clock news, they were fully covered.

So while I thoroughly enjoyed all the secret stories about Christian attitude awards in Junior High (SisterChristian), rubbing shoulders with Al Gore (MotherTheresa) and winning medals at the Junior Olympics (MaryLou), I just can't compete on that level. Nor could I even come close to adding an enthusiastic Me Too!

I'm definitely on the path-less-traveled with my unintentional happening upon naked redneck dude. OK, in his defense, he was on private property and he wasn't exactly what we in Texas would call completely butt-naked. After all, he was wearing his 10-gallon cowboy hat, striped tube socks (circa 1972) and black kicker boots.

Holy Cowboy Boots, Batman! I'm getting the heeby-jeeby, creepy-crawly shoulder shudders just reliving visualising thinking about that.

And, all three of HausFrau's readers respond in unison,

Me Too!

Looking for Something?

Dear Internet Pervert:

I appreciate your hard-core enthusiasm when Googling the Internet for websites to fit your unique interests. I find it refreshing that you can work a day job, lovingly attend to your family, keep up public appearances & still find "me time" in such busy schedule. I am a big fan of the Internet & think it's nice that modern technology allows you an affordable hobby that does not require you to leave the privacy of your house.

Obviously, Internet porn is to you what BlogSpot is to me - a way to pass the time while ignoring toilets & dirty floors. But, I'm also thinking the Internet is plenty big enough for both of us to be surfing without ever running into each other. At least my preference is for our paths not to cross.
However, I've recently noticed an increase of traffic on my Blog from you & your BFF perv buddies. While this increase in traffic means that I have published enough words to register as a mere blip on the Information Super Highway, I can't help but feel like I am totally misrepresenting my Blog's purpose.

Seriously, I am a stay-at-home-mom to two children who are both currently in school full-time. Yeah, I know. I probably need to get either A) a job, or B) a life, but I don't. I just blog about my pathetically boring existence in lieu of. I am also a housewife HausFrau to a Man who works all day at a 9-5 to bring home the bacon. Which, incidentally, I can cook it up and use it in a variety of food-porn dishes.

I know, I know, I wrote "porn". But, trust me, as for as you are concerned, it's not worth your Googling or Yahooing time. Unless you are totally into the exciting flavors of German cuisine.

So, here's the deal: I am a HausFrau & a quite Savvy one at that. I write about my children, my husband, my friends, mundane events that happen in & around my Haus & I write about what I cook for dinner. Admittedly, any or all of this should bore anyone to tears, but especially you all who are using your Internet access for more excitement that I care to imagine.

With that being said, I would like to apologize for misleading you & taking valuable time away from your sick & twisted alternative lifestyle choices. Specifically, I would like to apologize to your colleague the Dude in Germany who Googled "red tube hausfrauen sex video". I can only assume he was just looking for a little booty action on his monitor.

Unfortunately for him, he landed on my Blog on my Savvy with HausWork post. Surprised me too. I only mentioned in passing something about "red" wine & watching the boob "tube" as I explained to the public what I do all day. Sorry Dude in Germany didn't find what he was looking for, but it's not my fault. You might suggest to Dude in Germany that he contact Google & request that they tighten their search parameter algorithm. Especially since the "sex" word wasn't mentioned at least not in this post.

Ok, fine. I did use the words "bitch" and "latex" but I was referring to a specific episode of Desperate Housewives and cleaning gloves, the ones for HausFrau tasks like scrubbing toilets & washing dishes. Definitely nothing that would warrant traffic from Dude in Germany.

I am also remorseful about my Tampon Woman post. Hey, the post itself is one of my best, in my ever-so humble opinion, but not in a way that your and your perv homies would appreciate. Out of my last 100 hits, 3 of you have landed on this post while searching for images. I can only imagine what images you were Googling in the first place. Please, don't respond. I prefer to remain ignorant.

I've also had at least 2 hits looking for Gyno information. Who knew that a quick Google for "Gyno in Germany" would land TheSavvyHausFrau in the Number 1 spot? Granted, this search may have been legitimate, but I have a sneaking suspicious that the one looking for "nurse gyno" wasn't. Especially since many of the other sites on that Google hit list also mentioned the word "lesbian".

My biggest apologies go out to all your amigos who landed on my Laze vs. MiniMe post while Googling for images. It took me a long while to figure this one out, being that my mind it not in the gutter all the time. The first picture posted on this post is of my 13 year old's atrociously messy room & I couldn't imagine anyone being sadistic enough to unnecessarily put themselves in that line of fire.

But then, the proverbial light bulb went on as I looked through the words I wrote in the post. I very innocently commented that my 5 year old's new Barbie would not be allowed in the tub with her & you guys totally twisted that one every which way but loose. I'm not exactly sure what words you typed into the little Google search box, but it was some combination of: Freakish My Size Barbie Naked Tub Mr. Bubbles.

While I regret that you didn't find what you were looking for, I think it serves you right. You had to look at that picture of that horribly mess room & I am assuming it was much like an unexpected cold shower.

Hey, it happens.

You know, while I am at it, I am proactively apologizing right now for all the future hits that this particular post will get as I have once again used small, non-SAT words typical of pervert's ever-so-limited vocabulary & agenda.

Just in case you didn't catch them the first time, I have typed these words:

hard-core, pervert, perv, housewife, HausFrau, food porn, porn, exciting, booty, red tube, hausfrauen, sex, video, bitch, latex, boob, tampon, gyno, nurse, lesbian, gutter, sadistic, freakish, size, barbie, tub & Mr. Bubbles

And, should Google, Yahoo, AOL, MSN or any other search engine put my HausFrau blog at the top of the hit list, then so be it. Perhaps you will enjoy these images for your efforts:

All of my legitimate readers are now laughing their butts off.

Oh, let me guess. Someone is going to Goggle "butts off".

In closing, I sincerely wish you all the best in your future Googling endeavors. I hope there's not too many of us hard core, smart-ass HausFrauen out there to slow you down.

Respectfully submitted,

~HausFrau

Bon Jour

Another Rockin'Bauer Road Trip . . . Stay Tuned.

Nuts: the Adjective, not the Noun

HausFrau's How-To Guide

Surviving the Kindergarten Halloween Autumn Harvest Party

Exhibit A: Be Slightly Rebellious & wear a black t-shirt that subtly hints of a Witch costume. While you are at it, show just a tad of cleavage.

You are aiming for the sexy Witch look.

Exhibit B: Be All-Out Rebellious & wear an orange shirt with a picture of a witch that reads "I'm a Good Witch". Be sure to pair the orange shirt with a black under shirt -- we don't want anyone to miss the Halloween insinuation.
(Go, RebelMama, you are my hero!)

Exhibit C: Hover over RoomMamas and insist on changing the rules to Musical Chairs. Only change the rules once the game has started & be very ambiguous about the rule changes so that it takes at least 5 minutes for everyone to figure out the dumbass rule change. Closely monitor RoomMamas to ensure this particular game of Musical Chairs doesn't become some kind of Halloween ritual.

It might also be a good idea not to let the RoomMamas read the stories that they brought with them. Seriously consider that they never to read to small children & know nothing about children's literature. Insist on their reading from your collection only. Not inappropriate children's books about pumpkins borrowed from the community library.

Exhibit D: Closely monitor the entire class as they play BINGO. HausFrau RoomMama said it was Fall BINGO, but you must make certain she didn't sneak in a witch hat or black cat on the BINGO cards.

For the Kinder: Yell BINGO every time you get a BINGO. MiniMe's Mom said it was okay & she's fairly certain that this will drive Miss D absolutely bonkers Miss D won't mind either. Keep playing BINGO until everyone gets a black out. Enthusiastically yell BINGO every time you get a new BINGO until all the pictures on your card are covered. Because you will be hyped up on sugar by this time, yelling won't be a problem.

Also, tell MiniMe's Mom that you are having a blast and that you love her. That way she'll be more than happy to bring non-Thanksgiving BINGO cards to the Turkey & Pumpkin Celebration Party in November.

Exhibit E:

Dear Presidental Candidates, please smile for all your photo opportunities, especially the ones that will later be used for Kinder propganda. If you are old, use that to your advantage. Get the grandpa look going & make them want to climb into your lap for story time. They will assume you like small children and are nice. These are very important characteristics that you must possess in order to get the Kindy vote.

Dear Mr. Broccoli, Congratulations! You clearly have the smile down pat. You secured the overwhelming majority (7 to 2 with one abstainer) of the Kindy vote because of that smile. That's a huge accomplishment since these are all military brats & I'm fairly certain their parents will be voting for the old dude.

RoomMamas: In addition to BINGO & Musical Chairs, make trail mix with the class. Have lots of mini marshmallows, popcorn & Skittles on hand as these are often a five year old favorite. Strictly avoid Halloween colored M&M's & Reece's Pieces as those can be associated with a specific holiday & this is not a holiday celebration party, as previously explained in a recent HausFrau publication . Send lots of trail mix and goodies home with the kids. Most importantly, stock every goodie bag with glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth, as those are often an Autumn Harvest necessity. Squirrels frequently need extra help cracking nuts, you know.

Once the party is over & Kinder are loaded on the buses headed for home, encourage KindyTeacher to take a load off in the Teacher's Lounge because she had to work so hard monitoring those rebel RoomMamas. Then kick back with other RebelParents, celebrate a well executed party & tell ghost stories by the light of the Fridge.

Beginning with the legend of the Witches Brew. It's the one where the mean old witch hag stores her specially concocted brew in a magic cold box & uses it to cope with scare small children . . .

Happy Halloween

One beautiful princess costume with matching crown & earrings: $20

One sassy witch's costume created with Goodwill finds and
odds & ends from around the Haus: $5

One medieval princess costume from Goodwill: $5

One Freakish My Size Barbie Rosie: $2

Skunk costume from the Consignment Shop: $4

Pumpkins, 9 cents a pound: $1.62 total

Lots & lots of candy: $50

One Pimped out Pilot for the Trunk or Treat
odds & ends from the Haus: $0
orange & black streamers: $4

Dodging the camera (Man who?): cheap trick

Winning 2nd Place (HausFrau) in Trunk Decorating Contest: $75

Winning 1st Prize (Laze-E) in the Pumpkin Carving Contest: $15

Winning 2nd Prize (MiniMe) in the Pumpkin Carving Contest: $10

Having a total blast for Halloween: Priceless

Kindergarten Politics

MiniMe piped up this evening and informed me that there are two guys running for president because they both want George Washington's old job. Then she told me that she voted today for the Broccoli Bama guy.

Me: Oh, that's nice. Why did you chose him?

MiniMe: Because I like him.

Me: Well, why do you like him?

MiniMe: Because he likes children.

Me: How do you know he likes children.

MiniMe: Because he just does.

Me: Why didn't you vote for the other guy, John McCain.

MiniMe: Because he's old.

I pondered this conversation for a minute & wondered how many adults were choosing their candidate based on this same kind of logic. Then I decided it was probably quite a few.

And, I still really wanted to know why MiniMe was convinced that Broccoli Bama likes children, especially since our Haus is not a hotbed of political discussions. I got my answer when I sorted through her homework folder:

This was on the inside of her Weekly Reader. Honestly, if you were five, who would you chose for president? The serious old guy shaking students' hands or the smiling guy who is hugging the little boy?

Visual propaganda just claimed another victim. My child.

The one who doesn't even like broccoli.

Eat Your Veggies

Yesterday, I innocently purchased a bag of carrots because I wanted to make a veggie tray with dip for Laze-E's Halloween Party. No way could I, in good conscience, serve up copious amounts of food porn junk without at least offering something healthy on the side.

Much to my chagrin surprise, my friend who was helping me assemble the veggie tray, found this big ol' thing hiding out in the carrot bag.

So, what's a HausFrau to do when Big Guy crashes the party?

Why, she serves up that Bad Boy with some dill-dip.

And, laughs with her friend at the hilariousness of the situation.

No. We don't drink.

Much.