All Tied Up

It was normal bedtime routine around the Haus tonight. We shut off the TV, put the computer to sleep, tucked MiniMe in for the third fourth time & then Man started his what-do-I-wear-tomorrow drama. Usually, we keep clothes decisions to a bare minimum:

Do I wear this shirt with blue or black pants? These pants are the black ones aren't they? Are you sure? They look black to me. Are these socks blue?

Hold them under the light. Nope, they're black.

Well, you put them in the wrong sock drawer. Are you trying to confuse me?

As a matter of fact, I am. Obviously, there's not enough excitement around here & I have to create it by tossing blue socks into the black sock drawer. On purpose. It's a HausFrau conspiracy.

Tomorrow is a VIP day at Man's work so he must look like he belongs - noose around his neck and a little pep in his step. Tonight, we had to chose an appropriate suit-shirt-tie combo. Since it was pushing an incredibly late 10pm, we I kept it simply monochromatic. Blue suit, blue shirt, blue tie. As opposed to the more complex black suit, gray shirt, black & gray tie.

Man steamed the wrinkles out of the suit and shirt while I tucked MiniMe in for the fourth fifth time. Then Man pulled the price tag off the blue tie, stared disbelievingly at the price tag & wondered aloud if we really paid that much. I don't know for sure, but let's do the math:

Calvin Klein + AAFES + new director job + PCS = full price for a tie.

Actually, the $30-something price tag ended up not being near as important as the fact that it needed to be tied.

Man drapes it around his neck & promptly declares ignorance.

And, looks at me.

What? I'm supposed to tie the tie? Oh, Man looked so sad & desperate standing there in the bathroom in his gym shorts and ragged t-shirt with a brand-new, full-price tie draped around his neck. I really had no choice.

I stepped up to the plate & did the whole criss-cross in front, loop around back, up and through . . .

and it didn't work.

Then, I criss-crossed, looped twice, over and up, down and around . . .

and that didn't work either.

I even tried the bunny ears
over, under around and through
the pants are black, the sock are blue

My cute little poetic chant didn't work & neither did an enthusiastic attempt at nose wriggling.

So I did the only thing I could do, I grabbed the tie and bee-bopped downstairs to the computer. Man meant to profusely thank me for sacrificing sleep for him but only managed some mumbling about wanting a Double Martini Windsor knot.

I plopped down, draped the tie around my neck and googled "double windsor knot". The fist website had crappy, tiny pictures and very confusing written directions (obviously written by a man), so I moved on to the second site. Much better with nice sized, colored diagrams and 10 (yes, TEN) individual steps for tying a Double Windsor (obviously written by a fellow HausFrau).

OK, I have excellent visual-spatial skills & excel at following directions (my blog, my story told my way). I just needed to remember my left is the diagram's right. Wide part crossed over the skinny part, front to back, loop around, up throught the middle, down toward the right, something about my non-dominant hand . . .

OK, start over. Criss cross wide over narrow. Up with the wide, loop around back, loop toward dominant hand . . .

Ok, X wide over narrow, loop around wide side, down through the middle, pull left, loop twice, up & down and tighten . . .

Cleraly, this whole my left is really the right is a wee bit confusing, much like anatomy diagrams and the which left is whose right conundrum. Admittedly, I get confused when right is really correct right and left is wrong left.

To avoid unnecessary confusion when I naggigate navigate, I irritate Man with use my much simpler verion of left & right. In any driving situation turn "this way" means to turn toward my side of the car and "that way"means to turn toward his side. Man still claims it makes no sense and that he has no clue what is "this way" versus "that way". Even though I explain it slowly everytime we travel together.

Too bad for me, but my brilliant "this way" & "that way" didn't work for tying the brand-new, full-price ties.

I decided that if Calvin was ever going to get familiar with Windsor, I needed the real tie to look like the one on the computer. I needed a model - someone other than me. But, MiniMe was actually in bed, Laze-E was out with friends, the cat was off somewhere licking her butt and Man was still upstairs playing with the iron. It was a brief moment of shear desperation when the best idea ever popped into my head.

I flopped my left leg on the desk and rolled up my shorts & looped Calvin Klein (aka Marty McFly, aka Michael J. Fox - not that I'm going anywhere with that line of thinking . . . ) around mid-thigh. I breezed through the complete 12-step 10-step program and tied a very, very nice knot. I held the wide part, hobbled up the stairs like a tipsy puppet, on a mission to deliver knotty perfection to my Man.

With the help of the bathroom sink, a few stablizing hops & couple of full arm waves, I proudly presented Man with my thigh & his tie. Of course, Man gave me the look punctuated with huffy sigh for playing around during a über-important clothes crisis.

His quickly changed his tune when he realized that he got to be the one to extract his tie from my thigh - it was all very garter belt sexy because I even shaved today. With shaving cream and not just soap. Above the knee.

I did the whole ta-dah! thing and

He did the whole mouth open, stars coming out of his eyes thing.

Yes! I tied a freakin' perfect Double Windsor knot! Man was totally & completely impressed & singing my praises. Oozing gratitude. He tried it on & it fit perfectly.

As it turns out, the middle of my thigh is the perfect body part for tying Man's tie. How's that for putting some extra special VIP pep in his step?