Gyno Groupie

This was a first for me. I visited three countries in one afternoon all by my lonesome. I left MiniMe in the loving care of Laze-E & ThongGirl and headed off to Germany for a doctor's appointment. My afternoon went something like this: Gyno in Germany, Groceries in Holland & back home for Dinner in Belgium. If only I had a tour bus I could start marketing this unique TriBorder excursion.

Yes, there is major university hospital just minutes from my house, but I chose to drive 90 minutes back to Germany to seek medical care. It's a long story that would absolutely bore you to tears, but suffice to say, there's a not a doctor in Belgium who could make me happy. Besides, I'm going for an all-out record. This made 4 doctors in 2 different countries in 8 months. When put it that way, I sound more like a Gyno Roadie than a mere Groupie.

The problem with such a long trip is that I had way too much time on my hands to think and amuse myself. I usually have some whacked out dialogue ping-ponging off my neurons at any given time, but it's way worse when I alone. Especially on road trips.

That's one of the reasons I love to blog. It gives me a chance to release some of those random thoughts & calm down my brain chemistry.

I had no clue where I was going and just plugged an address into the GPS. I was rocking right along hauling A obeying the modest speed limit through western Belgium and the darn thing kept falling off the windshield. I was getting super annoyed when I remembered that it needed to be wet to stick. I grabbed the TomTom and did a really big, slobbery tongue over the suction cup and stuck it back in place - where it stayed, just for the record. I'm not saying that it happened, but if there ever was a really bad time to flash a speeding trap camera, that would have been it. Me flying down the highway, licking the TomTom.

After a few miles, I made a left hand turn in Holland and enjoyed the scenic route for a few miles. I decided to make a proactive pitstop at the first McD's I saw. It wasn't anywhere near a panic stop, but since I didn't know exactly where I was going, I wasn't willing to take any chances on a pee crisis. It's probably in bad taste to show up at a new gyn's office doing the full-bladder, knees-together wiggle demanding a toilet before even handing over insurance information.

While at Ronald's I decided to grab a Happy Meal for lunch & sashayed from the toilet up to the counter. I smiled, said hello and asked for a hamburger Happy Meal. It was almost an out-of-body-experience as I was greeted with mumbled Dutch. Huh? Did I manage to find the only location in Holland where only the manager spoke English. Was I on the wrong side of town? Seriously, I didn't know there were people in Holland who couldn't speak better English than 1/2 of Texas.

Who knew?

Anyway, after the pitstop I dug around in my purse for a breath mint and pointed the car in the direction of Deutschland. While sucking on the mint, my mind went to one of those places - again.
I started thinking how cool it would be to have a breath mint equilavent to freshen up the female parts. You know, sitting in the car for 90 minutes knowing that stirrups await you at your final destination can get a girl to thinking. Maybe not exactly a mint, but perhaps one of those quick dissolving strips. I've worked out the basics for my ad campaign:

Tic Tacs for your Twat - Have a Happy Hoohah

Recommended by 4 out of 5 gynecologists.

I know, I can dress me up but can't take me anywhere.

So, I make it to the doctor's office & go through the whole pertinent medical history spiel. Then, once again, I'm faced with a unique etiquette dilemma. How are you supposed to respond when a doctor compliments the girlie goods? This is twice now that I've had a German Gyn give my cervix an enthusiastic double thumbs up.

What I'm I supposed to say?

It's not like when a girlfriend gushes about a new hair-do.

Oh, thank you! I just got it done. The highlights are fab, huh? Do you really like it?

So, I said, oh, that's good.

Then the doctor announced that other relevant body parts were just about fan-damn-tastic too. My uterus looked awesome & both ovaries were rocking right along looking picture perfect. OK, I'm paraphrasing here. What really happened: I got a play-by-play commentary on how wonderful I appeared on ultrasound, then the doctor did a circular hand waving motion and declared that "everything down here looks great."

Oh, thank you! I just got it done. The highlights are fab, huh? Do you really like it?

Uh, that's good, huh?

Since I passed the obvious physical abnormalities test and managed not to be referred to a good pyschiatrist, he wrote me the prescription that I've been chasing down since last November. I practically waved the big, foam #1 finger as we discussed possible side effects from these pills. I made direct eye contact with the doc and said . . . one . . . eins . . . éen . . . uno . . . un.

Not . . . zwei oder drei.

Nicht . . . sext.

Got it?

He said the German equivalent of okee-dokee and sent me on my merry way.

While I waited at the desk for the paper copy of the script I just happened to notice that the nurse had on the cutest Birks ever. My friend in Hohenfels (Hi, Laura!) and I are going to have to get us a pair - each. The nurse was the best ever - she not only gave me the script on one piece of paper, she gave me the address for her shoe store on another.

Hey, I just tried to find the shoes the nurse was sporting online & had no luck. But, here's a wonderful bit of info - did you know that Birk now has the Heidi Klum kollection? Talk about über-cute.

Yeah, I know. I'm admittedly not a shoe person. But, these will hardly count -- because they are orthotic and comfy. And, really cute, did I mention that?

Anyway, I left the doctor's office thinking about shoes (very disturbing, I know) and walked across the street to the pharmacy. I wiped them out claiming the last 10 pills in the joint & was paying for them when I happend to look at the box:

ClomHEXAL 50

Written just like that.

Wha . . . Huh?

I'm no SAT verbal genius, but I do know that hexa- just happens to be the Greek prefix for, uh,

SIX.

I think I would have preferred a prescription for ClomUNO 50.

But, that's neither here nor there. I walked back out to my car & started the long drive back to my house. Again, I was alone with my thoughts & pondered the Tic Tac thing again. Dissolving strips are definitely the way to go. In a slightly-minty scent. I'll market them to women with ob-gyn and/or bikini wax appointments.

My secondary scent will be cinnamon rolls. I decided this because of a scientific study that concluded that particular smell was the number one way to rev up a man's libido. I'll market these to anyone not scheduled for an appointment were mint would be more appropriate.

I also toyed with the idea of HubbaBubba, Bazooka & Big Red. This could be marketed to women who are way more talented than I or to anyone woman needing help with those pesky Kegel exercises.

Man's always looking for an entreprenuial opportunity. Wonder if he's interested?

Might be a nifty way to fund the Sensational Six's way through college.