Got Milk?

Last week, my good friend Heather and I were out on my back patio chitchatting and enjoying the nice weather. Somehow our conversation detoured right on past socially acceptable dinner topics and headed striaght south toward dysfunction. I know, don't we all find that predictable unbelievable?

Since I was sipping on iced tea and Heather was enjoying a diet soda, I'm not quite sure how we so quickly ended up on the topic of breastfeeding your 8 year-old. Usually, in the absence of tequila, we talk about our kids, food & bargains at the Thrift Shop. But, not this particular night. Maybe Heather was tiring of my frugal-bragging . . . Score! Got it at the Thrift Shop. Only paid a dollar. Isn't it cute? . . . and decided to get even. Maybe she just wanted to brag about her cross-cultural knowledge . . . Hey, guess what I know about those crazy Brits.

Either way, she just happened to mention that there's this whole movement in the UK promoting extended breastfeeding - like really extended. Stop nursing right before your lil' darling graduates from middle school. But, only if the child is willing to give it up voluntarily & comes up with the idea all by his lonesome.

Huh?

I was risking pesky creases & wrinkles frowning as I attempted to wrap my sober neurons around all this when Heather mentioned that we could probably find the referenced documentary on YouTube.

At the mere mention of YouTube, Laze-E came out of her inattentive trance and volunteered to look for us. The only time I've seen her move faster has been with the code words of MySpace. Low & behold searching the site for "breastfeeding 8 year old" produced results. Who knew? I've saved you the hassle of searching, here's the video.

You don't have to admit to morbid curiosity. Just watch the video so that we can all discuss this. That's what I did, I only watched it for educational purposes.

Now that you've done the whole click & watch bit, tell me, did you choke on your diet Cola? Specifically when the children were at the dining room table drawing mum's breasts? And, then again when the mum protested that there's no way her nipples looked like the kids' drawings?

Yeah, me too. I just about spewed Lipton Cold Brew all over my keyboard.

Here's the deal: my girls have always included me in their artwork. Usually, I'm the one that's drawn a bit bigger than the children. Often I have oodles of lovely squiggles for hair and frequently, there's a crown involved (keeping it real). Occasionally, body parts - normal ones like hands, arms & feet- might be a little disproportional, but it's nothing that an eraser swiped across my hips couldn't fix.

Although, I certainly have been blessed with them, my ta-ta's have never debuted in any of these refrigerator masterpieces. If not for the ubiquitous hair squiggles and tiaras, any of the Me stick-figures could easily be Man.

Or the neighbor's dog.

I know it's absolutely none of my business & that I should not judge. But Eeeeeewwwwww! Mummy's milk is sweeter than a 1000 melons? Sorry, but any child who understands metaphors & similies and uses them appropriately in complete sentences obviously doesn't need the extra IQ boost that only breastmilk can provide. Obviously.

Ok, I know my child got an F on her PE exam. Now, I feel guilty.

Uh, noooo.

I'm not feeling one bit of remorse about Laze-E's crappy academic performance possibly due to Similac toxicity. I feel guilt because it's slacker moms like me, raising kids like Laze-E and MiniMe, who keep mums like her in the milk business indefinitely.

Don't you just want to reach through you computer screen and give that mum one big cyber-hug? Tell her it will be okay? Help her put on a nice support bra? Introduce her kids to chocolate milk and A&W Root Beer? Throw away all those drawings of bare breasts w/super long nipples?

Naw. Me neither.

Except for tossing the boobie doodles. I'm all over that.

I'd rather settle down with a diet Pepsi & watch a little YouTubing entertainment. That's the whole reason Heather mentioned MilkMummy in the first place. It was necessary background info so that I could fully appreciate the hilarious spoof on Little Britian's Bitty Episode.

How do you know that you have the best friends ever? When diet soda and YouTube bring hours of fun.

Cheers, Heather.