Quick to Listen

Hey, did you guys know that I am just about the coolest mom ever? I knew my currency was high, but really? Coolest ever? Me?

So what if it was just the opinion of two mentally questionable 13 year olds? And, so what if it was just for yesterday? Today? Who knows? My fall from grace could be swift and quick. And, ugly.

Or not. So far I'm doing okay today. Amazingly enough, I wasn't greeted with any stray ice cream wrappers, cartons or sticks as I made my way to my computer this morning. So I haven't had to go off on any minors at this early hour of 8am.

Only because I haven't done anything to screw up today all children are still snoozing , I'm sitting pretty on the Super Mom Throne.

It all started when ThongGirl came over yesterday afternoon to hitch a ride to VBS. She's practically been living here this summer anyway, so this is nothing unusual. What was a bit out of the ordinary is that she showed up with a tell-tale band-aid gracing her upper arm. Before I could inquire, she told me that she had a shot so that she wouldn't get cancer "here" as she pointed to the general area of the girlie goods.

Me: Oh, no cancer in the hoohah for you.

TGirl laughed: Yipee! No hoohah cancer for me!

You see, TGirl can be very funny & she's got great potential. She even coined the term über-boobs: C cup & up qualify. Just give her another 20 years and some life experience, and she could have a hilarious blog some day. But for now, she's just 13 year old funny & needs some guidance.

Currently, I'm the one who doesn't need adult supervision with a few extra years and Man, Laze-E & MiniMe life experience, so I can blog all about it.

So, we all pile into my car & before we got buckled up, I informed both Laze-E & TGirl that they were both grounded from ice cream at my Haus for a week. Yes, I actually grounded a child that's not mine! How funny is that? Hey, if you are comfortable enough to leave ice cream wrappers on my computer desk, then I am comfortable enough to put you on frozen treat restriction.

That pendulum swings both ways.

Anyway, on the way to VBS, TGirl proceeds to give the scoop on her school physical. Her major complaint was that embarrassing questions were asked by her healthcare provider, who just happens to be our clinic's charge nurse, who just happens to be one of her (& Laze-E's) friend's mom.

I'm not a fan of hers, but I kept my opinions to myself as TGirl continues to tell me all about the appointment. The conversation basically went like this, with an occasionally nuhn-uh interjection from Laze-E.

TGirl: OMG, she asked if I was sexually active.

Me: That was a completely legimate medical question & that healthcare providers need to know. Absolutely need to know so that they can help keep you disease free, fertile & alive.

TGirl: But, she's my friend's mom - it was totally embarrassing to even talk about it. Then she asked if I was interested in boys.

Me: Oh, she was probably just joking around with you. But next time, have fun & tell her you don't swing that way. That'll shut her up.

Everyone: LOL HaHaHa.

Me thinking: is she keeping this all professional or is she probing for information that's none of her business?

TGirl: Then she asked if I've ever kissed a boy.

Me: What?

Me thinking: She just wants all the gorey details on her daughter's friends. Not a fair question.

Laze-E: Oh, you have to be careful. You can get herpes on the mouth. My dad tells me that all the time.

Me thinking: Is it a fair question? Maybe it is, but I'm still thinking very inappropriate especially since it really embarrassed TGirl for no obvious medical reason.

Me: So, what did you tell her?

TGirl: I lied. I told her NO. I mean, she's my friend's mom, I can't tell her!

Me: Wha . . . Huh?

It's at this point that I put on my Capt. Obvious Hat and informed TGirl that I definitely qualify as a friend's mom too. Duh.

And, that's precisely when the Cool Mom tiara was passed my way. Both girls agreed that I was totally cool because they can tell me anything & I won't yell at them too much or freak out in a clinical sort of way.

On one hand, it's great that they have an adult to share with. On the other hand, why me & why so much?

Maybe it's because, I'm someone who can discuss thongs, über-boobies, hoohah HPV & oral herpes without losing composure or having a full blown panic attack.

Maybe it's because I will watch 90210 with them.

Maybe it's because when they talk & tell me stuff, I don't tend to get all preachy & go all "thou shalt not" on them. I listen, then we discuss black, white and every shade of gray known to mankind.

I've been mulling this over since yesterday afternoon & I've developed an exact opinion on these issues. I've decided:

that teens need to have a primary healthcare provider that is strictly just that. Not someone that the kids or parents know outside that professional setting. Definitely not a friend's nosey & unprofessional mom.

And,

that when kids/teens take the risk & confide in you, just listen and gently guide (quick to listen, slow to speak, slower to anger). Save the judgements, the finger-wagging, the you'd better nots, the I told you so's & the "Thou shalt nots" for a later time. Mess this up just one time & you'll never be on the inside info track ever again.

As an example for ThongMom who remains clueless to this day: should your teen come home from a shopping trip with friends and tell you all about the 5-pack Hello Kitty "friendship thongs" (I know what you are thinking, and yes, I'm here to tell you that Hello Kitty does indeed make thongs!) they purchased, just listen. Actively listen and kick back a generous shot of tequila. You might even respond with Oh SweetPea, so that means that BFF#1 has one pair and BFF#2 has two, so that means that you have two also, right? So, have you tried them on yet? They might not be very comfy.

Here's what you don't want to do (think Penny's mom on Hairspray): OMG! You are never going shopping with those girls again. You are too young to wear a thong. You know better. That's just the devil trying to take hold. Next thing I know you'll be pregnant! What do you have to say for yourself? You really don't want to flip out because next time it might be something really important like condoms & no one is going to tell you squat.

Think about it. Being oblivious is one thing. Being grandma is something else.

In my opinion, it best to approach the topic at a later time, in a totally seperate event. You start a thong conversation: You know, I've been thinking about the thong-thing. It's a no-go. Until you are old enough to vote, you must follow my HausRule. Yes, dear, bras and panties must be roughly the same size. Yes, I know, you have über-boobs, so I'd better be seeing some big-girl panties on your fanny.

Oh, yeah, and by the way, Thou Shalt Not . . . leave ice cream and/or popcicle wrappers, sticks, or cartons lying around. Especially on. my. desk. Or I will go ballastic.